WORKPLACE FAMILY
Sept 12, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker’s physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather.” BRB p. 425
“Sometimes you don’t even hear the words. A glare or body posture that is reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world we had no alternative. We are stuck.
But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else’s actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. “It seems like your upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?” We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things. If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. WE are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.
On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don’t make it mine or try to fix it.”
My Experience:
I’m 53 years old and have worn the mask of alpha male for a majority of those years, and believe me when I tell you, I have worn it well. I say wear the mask because it is not truly who I am on the inside, it is merely a facade. Who I really am is a little boy afraid of disapproval and yearning for the love and caring I never received as a young child. The non-verbal cues I learned to be afraid of as a young child still scare me to this day. One such non-verbal cue interaction, which was observed by my wife, happened about 5 years ago. I was having a conversation with family members and one of them happened to be my mother. My wife watched as my mother gave me a glare that just shut me down. She had never seen anyone stare me down and shut me up, she was utterly amazed. This glare was the “shut up or I will beat you” stare that I received as a child and still responded to as an adult. Talk about stuck.
In recovery, I am learning this was unacceptable behavior and has allowed me to get in touch with my anger towards my mother for the cruelties she imposed and love and tenderness she withheld. These non-verbal cues have stuck inside me, creating a PTSD like situation. These cues have made me afraid of people of authority. Although I hid it well, there was a lot of fear and shame inside of me especially when dealing with teachers then bosses and any other authority type figure. I am not quite sure what I will do with this anger towards my mother, perhaps one day I will be able to explain this to her and not fear the possibility of additional rejection of my hurts and feelings. However, my healing has led me to be much more comfortable in who I am, in the workplace, at home, amongst my elders, etc. I am learning to take care of me, by allowing myself to not interact with anger, by saying no and setting boundaries and by just having fun by being present and enjoying life. “ONE DAY AT A TIME”
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