WILLPOWER

April 28, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

We must shatter the illusion that we can reason out a painless solution.”  BRB p. 123

“Adult children do not lack willpower. We have relied on our iron willpower to carry us through the most difficult of times. Sometimes, we may convince ourselves that in order to heal, we simply need more inner resolve. Even after we’re in ACA, some of us try to will our Laundry List Traits away, thinking if we only had greater determination to get better, we could make different, healthier choices. Our desire is in the right place, seeking healing and recovery, but the method falls short. We may think we can read or learn about an easier solution and get better on our own, but we need the Twelve Steps of recovery and the fellowship to truly heal. There is no painless solution to our problem.

Throughout recovery, we will feel emotions and pain we may have suppressed. Grief over our childhood will surface, but it will not consume us. Our inner strength, once relied on for survival, will now give us the courage we need. We turn our determination not toward fixing ourselves in isolation, but to committing to our recovery in a supportive group setting.

On this day I accept the emotions that arise during my recovery journey, knowing any pain is temporary, and joy is possible as I continue to heal.”

My Experience:

As I developed into a gladiator (see below), it is easy to see that I got through things with sheer will power (along with blood and guts).  I subconsciously believed that I would overcome this too with that same will power, or so I thought.  Coming into these rooms felt like a tremendous relief, but it also felt like defeat.  The emotions that I was experiencing were overwhelming and I could not handle.  But somehow, I continued to come back (that’s my Higher Power).  I was finally able to get to a place where I could hide inside these rooms, you know, be vulnerable in these rooms but when I stepped outside, I would suit back up and again be ready for battle.  It is only after a veteran of the program pronounced that at some point on her journey, she began to “live a life beyond her wildest dreams” was I floored.  That is what I wanted.  What I learned that night is that I had to succumb. Succumb to the program, succumb to my Higher Power, succumb to the steps, etc.  Even though it took me a while to get to the steps I started to succumb and watch my life get better and better each day.  It is no longer will power, it is a true growing up.  I am not yet where she is, but I am on the path of living a life beyond my wildest dreams.  I hope to see you on this path!!!

GLADIATOR (an excerpt from “A Gladiator’s Journey”)

It’s you against me and why would you dare

You will never survive because I don’t care

My cunning and slyness has helped me befall

I will lure you in and destroy you mind and all

But if it’s a physical battle that you prefer to engage

Oh good lord you can’t even fathom the rage

I have been thrown in the pit like a bull for a fight

There is no way to win no-no not tonight

As a rooster I will pick your brains and your eyes

I will beat you into submission and tell you bye-bye

And when you tap out and ask for something in need

I will slit your fucking throat and watch you bleed

I will slash your Achilles and ice pick your knee

I will bite your nuts off if you fuck with me

For those that were supposed to love you created this course

Obviously you failed to impart compassion and remorse

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