UNVOICED PAIN
Jan 14 from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“In acting out, I was screaming when I could not voice my pain.” BRB p.503
“Many of us spent years drinking to numb our pain, eating for comfort, using drugs for escape, using sex while hoping for love, or whatever worked for us. While some of us found other Twelve Step programs that helped us with our self-harming, addictive behaviors, others of us may have lived life rotating from one behavior to another. We felt we needed something to help us separate ourselves from the pain, so we “acted out” as a way to avoid “feeling in.”
As children, we went through so many tough experiences alone. We couldn’t tell anyone what was happening or how we felt. We couldn’t even admit that the craziness we observed was really occurring. No one would listen, or if they did, they would smooth it over with excuses or tell us there was something wrong with us for even saying it out loud. As a result, these thoughts or words festered inside. We now are able to put a voice to our pain that can be heard by others in ACA. No one judges us for feeling the way that we do. Our True Self is able to shine through without turning to our former addictions, our silent partners. We are freeing ourselves from the guilt, shame and loneliness of our past.
On this day, if I feel the pull to act out, I will stay in the moment and try to find out what is triggering my reaction. I will use whatever ACA tools I need to in order to help myself.”
My experience:
In retrospect, I see now that I have acted out in all sorts of unhealthy ways: looking for love through sex partners, watching ungodly amounts of television, or eating sugar products endlessly. All to soothe something inside of me that could not be soothed with any of these things. I just didn’t know. Now that I know, I am doing something about it. No longer do I attempt to have sex to soothe my need for love. I am beginning to formulate what love means and looks like for me. I no longer watch endless amounts of television. I now feel my feelings and write about them instead. I no longer feel the need to have sugar to soothe me either. I understand the unhealthy relationship with sugar and recognize the need to move away from that unhealthy relationship. This will surely result in a weight reduction and increase in my physical well-being. I am on a road of recovery, why don’t you join me!