UNEXPRESSED GRIEF

Sept 21, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Every adult child has unexpressed grief, which is usually represented by the symptoms of depression, lethargy, or forms of dissociation.” BRB p. 199

“We pretended for years that we were responsible for our own depression. We took drugs and acted out to combat the feelings that came up. We hung out with others who minimized and wallowed in pity and inaction. When the topic of sexual abuse or child abuse came up, we floated around the room, sometimes forgetting what other people were saying entirely. When we saw violence in a movie or on TV, we may have felt uncomfortable, but we ignored it.

Because we’re the lucky ones who have found ACA, we are now seeing that there’s a better way to live. When we go to meetings, we find people who speak their truth openly. We listen as those who came before us and after us spill the beans about their real thoughts. They talk about what they’re doing to uncover the grief that underlies their depression and other symptoms that are a result of their childhoods. Through their examples, we learn to speak the language of the heart ourselves and we heal.

On this day I will go to a meeting to listen to the healing that’s in evidence.  If a meeting is not available, either in person or by phone, I will make contact with a fellow traveler so I can hear healing words.”

My experience:

I have fought for a lifetime to stay out of the depression.  Sometimes I was successful, other times, not so much.  I have learned that I have this grief inside that needed to come out and be examined, felt, appropriately named, and then let go at a time of my choosing.  Here is my inner adult speaking to my inner child. 

The Abyss

In my life the pointless fight has always been remiss

Attempting to keep my mind out of the void of the abyss

Depression is what some might call by another name

But like Hawk said, fancy name, same thing

During these times my focus was oh so askew

So what that means is that I couldn’t concentrate on you

It may have looked outwardly as though I didn’t care

But really all my energy was focused on this stare

I could feel myself scratching and clawing this gravitational pull

Sometimes I succumbed and was in its orbits full

For how long though I never really knew

That is when my isolation was in full view

You may have thought wondrously, he does not love me

But I couldn’t share with you because I could not see

But now that I do I am sorry you had to endure

The mood swings, the meanness and all the other obscure

Just know then and now I needed you much

So much so that I craved your tender touch

For now I write this because you probably need to hear this

Because of you I will forever fight to stay out of the abyss

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