UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

August 7, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“The child feels he must perform or do well to earn a parent’s love.’” BRB p. 30

For many of us, we had to perform appropriately to get any feeling of love or acceptance as children.  But conditional love was the only love, if any, that we received.  Many times the conditions were as dysfunctional as the love, and often they changed from day to day.  We heard people talk of unconditional love, but many of us didn’t think that it really existed.

In ACA, when we listen to the voices in our heads that tell us we’re not good enough, we understand this is our inner critic.  It’s no longer our parent’s voice but our own, repeating the negative words spoken to us as children.  But how did this happen? We weren’t going to be like our parents.  But here we are telling ourselves the very words that cut us like a knife when we were vulnerable children.

Once we see the harm we are doing to ourselves and know why it’s happening, the ACA program helps us replace negative words with positive affirmations.  We can give ourselves the unconditional love that was denied us as children.  We don’t have to please anyone to get it.  The cycle of pain is ending.  We are now free to face life with a positive frame of mind, getting ready to give the blessing of unconditional love to others. 

On this day I give myself unconditional love and acceptance.  In doing so, I will then truly be able to accept and love others.

My Experience:

I perform by making grand gestures to my love interests.  Maybe that is why I like Rom-Com’s so much as there is usually some sort of grand gesture to win the person back.  The funny thing is, grand gesturing is finite.  Try as I might, one upping myself eventually comes to an end.  You can only travel so far, spend so much, etc.  However, as long as I kept it up I felt like I would be loved.  Of course, when I could not keep it up anymore I felt like I was unlovable. 

Here’s the thing, I was lovable for just being me.  Every one of us is unique in our own way.  And just being who we are, with our quirkiness, funny noises, funny pronunciation of words, etc. should be enough for someone to love us.  If we are able to show true interest, kindness, and love to another they should be able to do that too.  But, since I was not shown this as a child, it is now hard for me not to perform. But I work on it every day.  I crave the peace and serenity of not being in my head all the time wondering what I can do next to have this person love me.  It is exhausting, but it has been exhausting for a lifetime.  I am a work in progress.

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