TRUST

March 20, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

These adult children rarely stop to think that self-sufficiency is covering up a fear of rejection which they think could come if they ask for help.” BRB p.102

Most of us had no one we could consistently rely on as children. Everyone seemed to be caught up in the dysfunction, and we were left to manage things ourselves. We became very self-sufficient and were sometimes even praised for that ability.

As adults, our self-sufficiency became a way of controlling things around us. If we did it ourselves, then we didn’t have to rely on anyone else, especially because experience told us that most people weren’t trustworthy anyway.

Even in recovery, some of us clung to our self-sufficiency, not asking for help because we found it hard to believe that we’d get it. And we would simply not allow ourselves to feel rejected yet again.

But as we continued to go to meetings, we gradually heard the truths we needed and became stronger. We learned to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable and trust that there was help available if only we would ask for it – help in our recovery, help in our work life, and help in our personal life.

On this day I will give myself the gift of asking for help, whether it’s in my recovery or anywhere in life.”

My Experience:

How true this is.  I have spent a lifetime of only trusting in myself.  I could not rely on the adults in my life to provide consistent and safe guidance, really only punishment and anger.  I kept hidden most things that I did as I was unsure of when I might get blamed for something or that another accomplishment would go un-recognized.  I could not trust that they would enroll me in things I wanted to participate in, so I took on that role and simply asked for a check and/or signature.  I could not rely on fairness or kindness even when I would fall and hurt myself for fear that it would be deemed one of those things that “I should have known better” and be severely punished.  I could not even rely on the fact that I would be properly fed.  Mind you, I was a child that would eat most anything, except liver.  But it seems like the adults in my life took great joy in preparing liver and wanted to make me eat it.  The alternatives were severe beatings and/or going without the meal.  I took either.  So you can see my trust quotient was pretty much at zero.  I had to rely on myself.  ACA has provided me the tools to start to feel and thus trust.  I don’t say again, because it is quite possible that I have never truly trusted (with the exception of those that have been battle tested).  I now have people that I can trust, my sponsor, my fellow traveler, my therapist, and my group.  Being able to trust these folks has allowed me to open up and approach cautiously trusting others.  It is these folks that I can share my darkest times, my greatest accomplishments, my sad days, my good days, and everything in between.  I can also ask these folks for help, admit when I am wrong, and truly listen to them when I am asked to go a little deeper in my thoughts, especially during step work.  What a gift!!

BATTLE TESTED

A breakthrough has occurred and more I know me

I wish I had this knowledge way back in the “D”

Not freely given this thing called trust

Prove yourself in battle with me you must

My homies, they have had opportunity galore

Whether on the field, in the field or anything more

They are who I can have faith this is true

But to prove yourself I am not sure how you do

My boys and I will suit up freely

To march into battle with them and with me

This security I needed when I was a lad

Without it then kept me lonely and sad

Unable to entrust my adults with this task

During their watch, I was abandoned and harassed

So a gladiator I did become you see

Traveling with those on the same mission as me

I now realize that proving is not what I need

But trust in and of itself is what I should heed

Loving and trusting as a brave little soul

Will provide me conscious relief that will make me whole

Not looking for you to protect, just having my back

I regret testing you with the trust I did lack

I know this drove you so far away

I couldn’t comprehend but I did want you to stay

How confusing all this must have been

Me so loving once then you on trial again

Just know that I now recognize this flaw

And am now working on this iceberg to thaw

So I am sorry if I didn’t have the capacity

I know that it hurt you, but it also hurt me

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