TRAIT TWO
Feb 6 from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.” BRB p. 11
“Yes, Sir! Anything you want, Sir! Whatever I can do, sir.
“Maybe if I do the dishes faster, Mom won’t drink so much this weekend.”
“I’ll keep the little kids quieter, and then Dad won’t get so mad.”
Many of us feel we have to do for others so they will like us, so the alcoholic won’t hit us, so people won’t get mad at us. As adult children, we get so good at doing for others that we end up believing we’re only okay if we have their approval. Those others can be bosses, friends, coworkers, spouses, and children.
In ACA, we start to see this pattern of approval-seeking. As a result, many of us find that we don’t know what we want, or how to make a decision for ourselves. Some of us can’t even name our favorite color, but we sure know the favorite colors of others!
As we begin to discover ourselves, we learn to separate the idea of a simple act of kindness from that of sacrificing ourselves in a way that destroys our self-worth. We begin appreciating that we are okay and can affirm ourselves for who we are, not what we do.
On this day I clearly see the difference between seeking false approval and doing a good deed because it is the right thing to do. I am grateful for that realization as I live my recovery.
My experience:
As I traveled my world I realize today that I did seek out the approval of others. My parents of course, but I also sought out the approval of friends, potential girlfriends, the parents of my friends, bosses, etc. How I was able to do that is basically convincing everyone that, “I got this.” I created an air of I could handle all your problems and make them go away. Funny, when I finally watched “The Godfather” when I was probably in my early 20’s, I totally related to “Don Corleone.” The opening scene was my basic mask that I showed to the world. In essence I would say to folks, if we are friends and if you happen to come across a situation or person that you could not handle, it would become my problem that I would handle. When I see this in writing, I better appreciate the amount of responsibility I have taken on for a lifetime. This mask was nothing more than an approval seeking mask. I am now shedding that mask more and more each day. The more I shed that mask, the happier I become, the more engaged in life I become. What mask are you hiding behind? Who is the real you? If they don’t like you for who you truly are, they never really liked you. It is okay if someone chooses to walk out of my life for being the real me. There are plenty of people that want to walk beside the true me and be my friend. I just have to reach out and find them. Walk with me??