TRAIT TWELVE
April 18, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.” BRB p. 17
“Many of us wish we did not perpetuate certain family disease traditions like abandonment, but we do so anyway. We may have abandoned someone on purpose as an outlet for our anger, or as a form of retribution. No matter what the reason, we are now in recovery to break the cycle of this multi-generational family disease the best we can.
The idea of not abandoning others may feel like a foreign concept. Maybe we just don’t know how to stay, how to feel safe long enough to be intimate. It can feel terrifying to get close to others.
Being with fellow travelers in this program is a first step in practicing what it’s like to tolerate intimacy. It’s also where we can learn to communicate, resolve problems and forgive in ways we were never taught.
We perform a real act of courage when we do things differently in recovery. We can practice; we can do it. This is our living amends – a gift to ourselves and others in recovery, and perhaps to our families as well.
On this day I will practice new, trusting behavior with my ACA friends. I will continue to learn healthier ways of communicating that will keep me from leaving others for the wrong reasons.”
My Experience:
I never really understood this abandonment that I perpetrated until I understood the abandonment I went through and acknowledged. I was physically and emotionally abandoned for years so when others tried to get close I just did not understand. I thought, “there must be something wrong with this person, to want to get close to me, because I was never good enough to be close to.” Now I understand how wrong that was. I am still struggling with the concept of being good enough. But I am fighting the fight, making amends to myself and putting in the work of recovery to be celebrated and to enjoy intimacy, improve my communication and practicing forgiveness. The journey is tough, it is not for the faint of heart, but I continue to understand this is a journey of progress not perfection!! Whew!!
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