TRAIT THIRTEEN

Nov 22, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“We felt like we were stark raving mad. We couldn’t see what was happening to ourselves because we were so focused on controlling others and feeling their feelings for them. Or maybe we tried to shut others down because we didn’t want to see or hear anything about feelings that would make us uncomfortable. It was a never-ending cycle of abandonment of ourselves and our Inner Child. But we were used to it; we didn’tknow any better.

Then one day we found ACA. Slowly, we learned to let ourselves be present in the moment. It wasn’t easy. We watched as our sponsors and others with more emotional sobriety modeled what change looked like. We soaked it up. It was the best education we ever had – better than anything we learned or could have learned in school. We found something that could truly transform the world.

As we let go of our grandiosity, we saw that we could change ourselves if we were willing. We finally began to understand and believe that we were powerless over others and the choices they made. It was a great relief.”

My experience:

I used to be able to watch people cry and look at them as if they were crazy.  I was so shut down that I could not even empathize that they could have feelings about certain events.  It is even crazier that I didn’t have any feelings about those events. Not that I didn’t have feelings, these feelings would get immediately buried so I didn’t have to deal with them. I would get angry at those expressing their feelings as this display would start to make me uncomfortable.  In essence, I taught people to not display feelings around me, thus perpetrating the cycle of abandonment. 

I have learned to be present and feel the feelings that come over me.  I have learned to empathize with events that I observe and actually shed tears.  There are sad moments that should affect most people and I have allowed myself to be affected.  I feel when I see the homeless, I feel when I see a touching loving moment when an old couple still walk hand in hand, I feel for a baby crying and wants solace from their parent, I feel the pain of a lost childhood, I feel the pain of a lost love. Today, I just feel.  

I hope you can feel too!!