TRAIT SIX
May 24, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.” BRB p.14
“The tendency of most of us is to own every problem around us. We are the fixers. It doesn’t matter whether or not we were asked to help – we will give everyone’s problem our full attention.
It’s not difficult to assess where this tendency came from. Being responsible for the chaos in our family of origin was repeatedly put onto our small shoulders as children. We were placed in the middle of adult dysfunction at a very young age. We learned it was our job to focus on others and make things better. We also learned that our needs and wants were not important. It became a habit we carried into adulthood that also kept us from looking at ourselves.
In ACA, for perhaps the first time, we are asked to focus on ourselves and own our own part in our dysfunctional lives. We acknowledge our character defects. As we do so, we are gently guided through the process of reparenting ourselves with love and kindness.
We learn that our needs are important. Our feelings are worthy of attention. The strong will to fix others lessens. It was never our job in the first place. We start to get used to this new freedom.
On this day I know that if I did not create the problem I am not responsible for the solution. I focus on myself.”
My Experience:
I thought I was just helping, turns out I was compelled to help. It took the focus off of me and my problems and I could get a sense of feeling good about helping others with their problems. All this did was delay the inevitable, having to fully deal with me and my life. That is probably why it is so hard. It is sort of like delaying maintenance on your home. The longer you put it off, the worse it gets and usually the more costly it is. If I had the sense to deal with my problems in my twenties or even thirties it would not be as painful as having to deal with these issues in my fifties. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to be dealing with them in my fifties instead of my seventies or worse yet never dealing with them and not having an improved life. Just saying that the peeling of the onion is a bigger task today than it would have been yesterday and it is a result of me feeling responsible for everyone else’s life. Now I can focus on me!
Blog: www.bkcoates.com
Instagram: bkcoates
Facebook: brian coates
Twitter: @cornbread182