TRAIT ONE
Jan 12 from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.” BRBp.10
So many of us shut down and hide because of our fear of people and authority figures. Most of this fear stems from the way we were treated when we were young. Understandably, what we learned as children carries over into most everything we do today: fear of our partner or boss, fear of success or failure, fear of conflict – the list can seem endless.
Our childhood authority figures, our parents, were often physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. One thing many of us thought we learned for sure: if anything went wrong, it was our fault.
While working the ACA Steps with a sponsor, we gradually and bravely uncover the traumatic moments from our childhood that made such lasting impressions. No wonder we were scared. No wonder we held our breath and squeezed our muscles tight. Knowing what happened is what leads to change -one follows the other for a reason.
All of our work bears fruit. At some point, the clouds open up and the sun shines through. We get it! We don’t have to live in fear anymore. Freedom feels terrific! Thank you, Higher Power!
On this day I acknowledge the fears I’ve carried for most of my life, and I remind myself that I am now safe. I take deep breaths and feel gratitude for the people in my life who are kind and loving.
My experience:
I have constantly lived in fear. Fear that I was always doing something wrong. I didn’t want to see “the look,” take the verbal abuse that would tighten my muscles even more or respond in anger the way I did. So, I learned how to get in and out almost unnoticed. As a youngster, I would slip out of the house early enough so that I was undetected, if I was too late there was an expectation that I would do a slew of chores and not be allowed to just be a kid. When I was a teen, I would ease out or in the door to go unnoticed. I would park down the street, so the car would not be heard. As an adult, I would ease out of bed to not disturb my partner, I wouldn’t put my shoes on until after I left the bedroom to not disturb sleep, I would gently close the door to not alert that I may have left. Needless to say, I got good at showing up and leaving unscathed. I didn’t recognize this, but I was so used to having negativity thrown my way, that I got good at sneaking in and out. Although it looks like I am being considerate of others, I painstakingly attempt to not disturb people in any way no matter the cost to me. I didn’t get my needs met. I would love a hug and/or kiss goodbye/hello, I would love for someone to miss me, but my sneaking in/out prevented that. I know now that this learned behavior caused me additional damage that was hard to see. Now that I know this, I am working on this. I am working on being more open, more present, and more engaging every day. The learned behavior runs deep, and it is a daily struggle, but I believe the struggle will be worth it in the end, as I will be able to identify my needs and seek those people that are willing to help me meet those needs. I know one is with me everyday guiding me, my Higher Power. Join me in the light and get out of the isolation.