TRAIT FOURTEEN
Dec 19, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Para-alcoholics (codependents) are reactors rather than actors.” BRB p.17
Before ACA, many of us ran from one person to another, one idea to another, found “better” jobs, sought solutions for our medical ailments, read all the self-help books; we tried anything to change the way we felt. We were so mixed up inside, wondering why everyone else seemed calm and reassured, while we had fireworks going off in our brains and bodies. Each time we jumped into frantic action, the results were usually hurtful to ourselves or others.
How did we learn to react so intensely? As children, each step we took or didn’t take caused “bombs” to go off. We were told things like “Can’t you do anything right?” or “If you’d just stop acting like that, everything would be better.” We were scapegoats. We became reactors in an attempt to try to fix things. And we carried this behavior into our adult lives.
In ACA we find relief, one day at a time. We learn to use the slogans, like “Easy Does It” when we feel an “emergency” inside. They help us act in healthier ways by doing nothing, even if we have to sit on our hands or zip our lips until the compulsion passes.
Self-reflection is imperative during these times. Stopping ourselves before we react inappropriately, and even in mid-sentence, helps us gain self-confidence and positively affirm ourselves.
On this day, when I feel a compulsion to react “RightNow,” I will remember two slogans: “Don’t just do something, sit there” and ”Be Still and Know.” I am learning to be calm in the face of internal chaos.
My experience:
Anyone that knows me knows that I am the king of self-help books. What I didn’t know is this was away for me to fix something inside me that I had no idea was there. I knew deep down inside me there was a hole that I was desperately trying to fill. I didn’t know I was trying to fill it with all the things mentioned above. My control of my emotions failed to have others recognize, however yes I have spent a lifetime with fireworks going off in my brain and body. I was the fixer. If I couldn’t do it, then it was not possible. Where did that come from? Probably because I had to fix all kinds of stuff as a youngster before my parents found out, or else the beatings would come. I had to be calm, assess timeframes, and what I needed and who I needed to involve in order to fix it, because I did not want the beating that was surely to come. Today though, I am learning that I don’t have to react, I don’t have to fix. I can now share my feelings without a fix in mind and work it out with the other person if need be or just let it sit because there are no longer beatings to come physical or otherwise. They can stop for you too. Take my hand and join me!