TRAIT FOUR
March 31, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.” BRB p. 12
“When we first heard this Trait, we may have reflected on all of the relationships we’d had – those we supported financially, or those where we were supported, but which kept us “under lock and key.” There were broken people we tried to mend who “had such potential” -why didn’t they use it? Some of us had dangerous partners, but when they seemed to love us, the world was momentarily a happy place.
Many of these relationships mirrored our childhood. But we didn’t know we were reliving the past. We thought we chose these people out of normal attraction like anyone else. But that was our normal, because we were only taught how to relate to compulsive, dysfunctional people.
In ACA, it is comforting to find different people to relate to – those who have also had rough-and-tumble relationship experiences, but who are choosing a different life. We begin to see how it is possible to relate to them in a new way. We see boundaries being set and maintained. We hear vulnerabilities shared, and we start to feel comfortable doing the same. We begin to trust others and our Higher Power, knowing we are now capable of changing our pattern of self-destructive relationships.
On this day I will focus on my Higher Power and myself to find my center. This will keep me focused so that I can relate to others in a healthier way.
My Experience:
“We were only taught how to relate to compulsive, dysfunctional people.” That is a powerful statement, one that brings me to tears. Compulsive, dysfunctional people keep chaos going in my life. This means I have been used to and somehow needing the chaos. It also means that I was fully comfortable in keeping the chaos going. Why? Because that is what I was used to, comfortable with and taught. So even though I expelled high amounts of energy during these relationships, I didn’t know there was another way. I thought they were at fault, and they were. But so was I. I helped to create the dysfunction and chaos and kept it going. During times of calmness, I was very uncomfortable because maybe that signified that the relationship was dying. So something had to happen in order to keep it alive, thus creating more chaos. What a horrible roller coaster ride that was. Well I am off of that ride and better understanding my needs. I am better at communicating these identified needs and I get to decide if my needs are getting met or not and what, if anything, I want to do in response if my needs are not being met. Thank you ACA.