TOLERATING THE UNACCEPTABLE
June 22, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We will see how our low self-esteem has us judging ourselves mercilessly, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and tolerating inappropriate behavior.” BRB p. xxi
“Many of us were taught that it was virtuous to “put up with” whatever was doled out, shut up about whatever was going on, and deny our feelings in the process. This led us to doubt our own perceptions, which led us to doubt our own self-worth. Because we actually survived, some of us interpreted our ability to deal with unacceptable situations as resilience.
Unfortunately, we didn’t learn that it was acceptable to set boundaries and limits, and that it was okay to say “no” to unacceptable behavior. This is what we learn in ACA. We don’t have to be stoic, or pretend that things don’t bother us when they do. We don’t have to apologize for stuff that’s not ours or feel ashamed when we feel triggered. We have the right to our reality, our experiences, and our feelings.
With the help of our recovery support system, we are now learning to trust, to feel, and to talk; this is a wonderful way to live. We can surround ourselves with people who listen to us and acknowledge our feelings. We can be more human, vulnerable, and safe.
On this day I remind myself that being resilient (tolerating abuse) is not the way I want to live my life. I can relax and trust safe people.”
My Experience:
“I can handle anything” is a phrase I used often. “I don’t care” is another. What I now know, these are phrases that allowed me to accept unacceptable behavior. I just took it and took it until I couldn’t any longer and blew up. That is when I unleashed the gladiator and slayed all those before me. Even then I knew this was not a good way to live, but did not feel like I had the power to change. But now I know I have the power to set boundaries and to appropriately express my feelings. I do this knowing that others do not have to change but I can make decisions that honor my feelings and self-worth to not have to put myself in a position to accept unacceptable behavior.
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