THE REDISCOVERY OF TRUAMA

Trauma makes a person lose themselves.  When we experience trauma we change.  This could be trauma we suffered or even trauma we have perpetrated, whichever it is changes us to the point that makes it difficult to engage in intimate relationships.  This is why for me to recognize the anger I have displayed in past relationships is eye-opening.  You see, I thought it was just the way I was, there was nothing I could do about it.  Turns out, that I was right.  It was just the way I was.  But I, like most other traumatized people, felt the shame about what I did, or didn’t do, which fed into my anger because of how I felt about myself deep inside.

What does this trauma cause?  It causes you to become numb.  Numb to your feelings, numb to the feelings of others, doing things to further numb yourself, like drinking, drugging, sexing, shopping, cleaning, or excessively working out just to name a few.  It also changes how we view the world by changing our perceptions and imagination.  Some things trigger us and we are unaware of the triggering and we perceive our response to be appropriate because we are acting on the trigger, not necessarily the reality of the current situation.  Van Der Volk describes this as superimposing the trauma on everything around us and having trouble deciphering whatever is going on around them.  Because of this we oftentimes lose our imagination and thus the ability to play.  Imagination and play is vital to our lives and the quality of which we live it.  It allows us to envision new possibilities, helping to have hope and making those hopes come true, opens up our creativity, and allows us to feel pleasure.  We even stop trusting those folks who have not been through the trauma as we believe we cannot understand.  I tease that thought out in this next poem entitled, “Battle Tested”

BATTLE TESTED

A breakthrough has occurred and more I know me

I wish I had this knowledge way back in the d

Not freely given this thing called trust

Prove yourself in battle with me you must

My homies, they have had opportunity galore

Whether on the field, in the field or anything more

They are who I can have faith this is true

But to prove yourself I am not sure how you do

My boys and I will suit up freely

To march into battle with them and with me

This security I needed when I was a lad

Without it then kept me lonely and sad

Unable to entrust my adults with this task

During their watch, I was abandoned and harassed

So a gladiator I did become you see

Traveling with those on the same mission as me

I now realize that proving is not what I need

But trust in and of itself is what I should heed

Loving and trusting as a brave little soul

Will provide me conscious relief that will make me whole

Not looking for you to protect, just having my back

I regret testing you with the trust I did lack

I know this drove you so far away

I couldn’t comprehend but I did want you to stay

How confusing all this must have been

Me so loving once then you on trial again

Just know that I now recognize this flaw

And am now working on this iceberg to thaw

So I am sorry if I didn’t have the capacity

I know that it hurt you, but it also hurt me