STUCK GRIEF

Dec 21, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Grief is loss that is stuck beneath denial, willful forgetting, and the fear of being perceived as dramatizing the past. Grief is the built-up defeats, slights, and neglect from childhood.”‘ BRB p. 199

Before we came into ACA we might have thought of grief as something we experience only from overt losses such as death of a loved one, divorce, or a devastating illness. With recovery in ACA, we also experience grief as something that comes from the loss of our identity in childhood. We’re exposed to many suggestions of what those childhood losses might be, such as being regularly and unfairly criticized by a parent, being compared to a sibling who was more well-behaved, being told we were bad, dumb or inferior, being told to keep secrets – the list goes on.

Just  as  it’s  valuable  to  handle  more  overt  losses  by grieving in a healthy manner rather than avoiding, numbing, and dissociating, we learn in ACA to practice loving ways to grieve our childhood losses.  By working the Steps and learning to have a dialog with our Inner Child, we discover that our bodies and minds remember the neglectful and shaming acts of the past. Unearthing these memories and facing the feelings buried within them isn’t easy, but we discover an amazing payoff on the other side of this grief – being fully self-expressed and feeling alive, perhaps for the first time.

On this day I will be aware of and focus on one of the losses I experienced in childhood and practice a loving and compassionate way to grieve that loss.

My experience:

During my lifetime, I have had times when I have felt extremely sad. But my protective gladiator would not allow those feelings to linger for too long.  My gladiator would bury those feelings again only to be slayed another day.   I have oftentimes wondered if during those times I experienced some depression.  After reading this, it is most likely stuck grief.  Unfair punishments, the discarding of my possessions, being made to feel a certain way because I sucked my thumb, or even being reminded that I need soothing, like a baby, because of the way I touch a blanket to my face. 

Before the gladiator was created, I was just a boy with a sweet soul.  I had fears, I cried, I felt guilt, I just felt.  However, today, only those very close to me know this.  It is these bouts of stuck grief that continue the need to have my gladiator protect me. 

As a child I remember sucking my thumb and carrying around this little pink blanket.  It wasn’t even a whole blanket as I recall, it was about ¼ of the blanket, think Linus from the Charlie Brown Cartoon. But I was shamed and made to feel like I was less of a person because I sucked my thumb and carried this pink blanket around.  I was told you better stop sucking your thumb and the tears that resulted because of the threats.  I understand now that it was even more hurtful because all I wanted was some love, comfort, and soothing for which I got none.  My sucking of the thumb was all about soothing my soul amidst the chaos of home.  I can say that the most soothing I received was when my mother cleaned my ears.  She would gently lay my head on her lap and clean my ears.  Other than those rare times, nothing!  Then one day, and I can’t remember when, my blanket was gone.  I don’t even think there was a discussion about it.  I do remember not being able to locate it and crying in silence because it was gone.  I could not mention it because I was afraid of the outcome of that conversation.  So I suffered in silence.  Do you think I have Stuck Grief?  You betcha! 

This was buried deep inside until today.  Because I was able to uncover this stuck grief, I now have the opportunity to grieve for, “mini me.”  I cried about this today as I spoke to my therapist.  What a touching and gentle response I received as she sat there with a loving expression and allowed me to cry.  I will eventually tell this story in a meeting where I will surely receive many soul-soothing ACA hugs.  I will do some inner child work surrounding this event and decide how or if I can somehow make this up to “mini me.”  This is the healing journey I am on.  What is your Stuck Grief?  Join me in soothing your “mini me.”