STEP-SIX
Nov 7, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“By now, we have stopped punishing ourselves. We are asking God, as we understand God, to help us become entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.” BRB p. 215
We used to beat ourselves up over things that we couldn’t control. To help cope, many of us practiced compulsive behaviors. Some were more destructive than others, like using drugs, binging and purging, or getting high on controlling others. “Healthier” hang-ups, like excessive exercise, TV or sports, or being social butterflies may have been more acceptable, but ultimately made us almost as miserable.
Some of us felt a rush when we did something compulsive. Then we minimized the consequences in order to survive. Eventually we realized these things made us miserable and compromised our quality of life.
When we begin to uncover the roots of our self-punishing behavior, we see our defects for what they are, and we become entirely ready to have them removed. We realize that instead of numbing the pain, the only way to become whole is to work through it. We ask our Higher Power to lead us to a better place. As we do the work, we can make a list of our defenses and dialog with our Inner Child about how to give them up. We can reassure those parts of us that are still acting out that they are now safe and no longer need to find ways to escape.
On this day I will do all I can to help my Inner Child feel safe and loved. I now work through my problems instead of going around them.”
My experience:
I spent a lifetime of getting high on control. I could never understand when my ex-wife said to me “you control everything.” Now I am “woke.” In this program it has showed me how controlling I was and how every aspect of life had to be my way. I understand now that I developed this because of the non-control I had as a child and now as an adult I was going to ensure that my world was exactly the way I wanted or thought I wanted. “No, we are not going to spend money on this, no we are not going to that restaurant because this one is better, why would we do things that way when this way is clearly better,” and on and on, the platitudes would spill out. How damaging that must have been to those around me that had to hear this stuff. And when you challenged my way, the Gladiator would come out and surely scare you back into your shell. What I didn’t understand is that this Gladiator was developed to protect my scared inner child. I was always afraid. I was afraid of making the wrong decision, of not being able to provide for my family adequately, of not being adequate. I was afraid of being found out that I was not as good as I portrayed. I had to control my world so others would always be on their heels unable to get their bearings enough to uncover my flaws and see I was not perfect. How sorry I am for all of that and how relieving it was for my Higher Power to remove this and all other defects of character.
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