STEP ONE COMPLETION

Many of us have seen the twirling plate balancing act.  You know the one where the guy twirls plates on sticks, then he feverishly runs around to get to the ones that are on the verge of tumbling only to start them twirling again.  He continues to add plates and keeps them all afloat.  This is sort of like my control issue.  I took on many tasks and feverishly ran around to ensure they all kept spinning.  The problem came when that next plate I added was just too much, and I could not keep them all spinning so tumbling down they came.  I have realized that I had too many plates in the air, my life had become unmanageable, and I just could not keep them all spinning anymore. 

Enter ACA.  With the help of this group, my sponsor and my fellow traveler, I was able to admit that my life had become unmanageable.  What a relief to know I no longer needed to keep all the plates spinning.  I could let some crash and only keep the ones I determined were the most important spinning. Step one was not easy.  Since I controlled everything, it was hard to see that control was the problem.  But today I see, and I no longer have as many plates in the air.

When you work the steps with a sponsor, it is wise to mutually agree when it is time to move on to the next step.  My sponsor and I set this parameter from the very beginning.  Today, I met with my sponsor and we have mutually decided that it was time for me to move to step two.  I sat with that for a little while after we met.  Accomplishment feels good.  To be recognized by someone else that you have progressed and have a good understanding and handle on the step feels fantastic.  However, there is also a bit of fear and anxiety as I move down the step spectrum. The next challenges will appear, more realization of my internal workings will be shown, maybe intense feelings will reveal themselves, another layer of the onion will be peeled.  As my control issues lessen, hopefully so will my anxiety of what may be revealed in each subsequent step.  However it plays out, I am truly thankful for the place I am today, insightful, healing, and tender and gentle with myself.