STEP NINE
Sept 3, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” BRB p. 235
Amends can be scary. It’s hard having to admit we are wrong or that we did something to harm another. We learn that our first amends are to ourselves. But we also must make decisions about when amends to others will harm ourselves or others, or when we’re avoiding personal responsibility due to pride
As we recover in ACA, we learn to trust our instincts. But we also need to be sure that the fear we bring from childhood doesn’t get pulled into the mix inappropriately. We’re adults, and most amends situations we face will put us in very little danger of being physically harmed as we were in childhood. So it’s the emotional part we’re worried about, whether we can handle what comes back at us. And even though we may not realize it right way that eventually starts to make the decision of whether or not to make amends easier.
After we talk it through with our sponsor and others we trust, we’ll know whether the amends are appropriate if so, we’ll decide whether we’re strong enough to make them. If not, then we’ll wait until we are. It’s about keeping our slates clean.
On this day I will make amends to myself first. Then I will prepare for my necessary amends to others, which I will do if, and when, I’m ready.”
My experience:
The thought that I needed to make amends to myself was confusing. What did I do to harm me? Well lets see: I allowed unacceptable behavior, I tried to please everyone, only to come up short and not please anyone, I rarely put my feelings in the mix when trying to please others, I wouldn’t allow myself to feel, thus increasing my loneliness, I retreated into the abyss of loneliness so people couldn’t get close to me, I released my anger so people couldn’t get close, I sabotaged relationships as the closeness was too uncomfortable. I found that the list could probably go on for pages. But how do I make the amends? By setting boundaries. I no longer accept unacceptable behavior. When I find myself retreating, I make an effort to get out and enjoy myself more. Although still not the most comfortable, I welcome loving interaction with others. Always remembering to “Let It Begin With Me.”[1]
Blog: www.bkcoates.com
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[1] Let it Begin With Me is an ACA slogan