SOLUTION-LOVE
Sept 5, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.” BRB p. 590
“We may have grown up thinking that some people just knew how to love better than others. Perhaps we marveled at someone famous who seemed to have a deep, meaningful relationship with his or her romantic partner.
In meetings when we hear our truths being sung in another’s voice, it affirms that we are not freaks, we are human beings no better or worse than the person sitting next to us. And as human beings, we can reparent the part of us that was cast aside. We aren’t “finished products.” We can give and take this confusing thing called love.
What we hear in others’ voices and see in their eyes is that we have value. The “music” we are making together has meaning. It reaffirms our worth to recognize that we are not alone when we “sing” to each other. Our song, while it is ours and has parts to it that are ours alone, is not foreign to other ACAs
The singing of truth at meetings is actually an expression of love for each other. What we can learn to feel, we can also share with our Inner Child.
On this day I will teach my Inner Child to sing to me the truth without fear, and to trust that real love takes commitment.”
My experience:
Love what was that? I equate love with affection, tenderness, positive interaction, etc. My life was such that I was rarely afforded these simple kindnesses. It was established at an early age that love was conditional for me. I was afforded pleasant interaction if I got good grades, but in those cases where I didn’t get a good grade or a negative interaction at school, I tried to hide it so love wouldn’t be taken away. Although not specifically spoken, that I remember, there seemed to be a preference that I be seen but not heard. Once again, trying to stay out of the way or any positive interaction would be taken away. So my truth is, I never felt like someone loved me for just being a smart, adventurous, gregarious boy. I could be that way with my friends, but not at home. As a result, I grew up feeling the same way in romantic relationships. Love was conditioned on the money I made, the car I drove, the clothes I wore, the demeanor I posed, etc. When I couldn’t sustain or the burden of these masks became too heavy, I would burst. I felt like the fun I wanted to have was unimportant.
The ACA program made me understand that I deserve to be loved for who I am, not what I have and not what I can do for you. I no longer accept the unacceptable behavior of being conditionally loved. It hasn’t been easy and still a struggle some days, but in concept I understand that I matter.
Today, I understand that my parents too lived dysfunctional childhoods, which caused them to display dysfunctional behavior. Although not an excuse (neither them nor I), it helps me to better understand my behavior and philosophies and change myself accordingly. With that said, it is easy to believe that I have displayed dysfunctional behavior towards those I have, or have had, a close relationship with including my children. The ACA program has opened my eyes to the fact that the experiences detailed above, and similar life experiences were not normal, and I am working to adjust my outlook on life to provide a better experience with all those in my life, especially my children. I now live “One Day At A Time.”
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