TRAIT NINE

August 8, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“We confuse love and pity and tend to ‘love’ people we can ‘pity’ and ‘rescue.’” BRB p. 12

“In many aspects of our lives we are drawn to the familiar, not because it is good for us, but because it is more comfortable than change.  The fact is that as much as many of us protest, we are drawn to other dysfunctional people.  The reason for this attraction is very likely a deep sense of shame many of us carry from our childhood that we keep as our well-guarded secret.  The message of this shame is that we are not “good enough,” because as children we did not feel valued for who we were.

Only by entering into relationships that other sick people will our secret be secure in the chaos of the dysfunctional.  We can focus on them and rescue them, which often makes them want us more – at least for a while.

As we gain self-respect in ACA, these innate attractions start to disappear because we realize we’re not getting our needs met.  As we change, and as hard as it can seem at first, we may have to leave some relationships behind if the other people are not willing to change also.  In doing so, we learn to reject the notion that this is somehow selfish.  That is codependent thinking that is not fair to anyone, least of all ourselves. 

On this day, with the help of my Higher Power, I choose healthy people to be part of my life, people who are willing to embrace the new me.”

My Experience:

Because I feel like I have never been chosen, it is hard for me to choose me.  But if I am to continue on my healing journey, I must find the courage and strength to choose myself.  Not in some selfish narcissistic way, but in a loving way that allows me to believe that I deserve kindness and gentleness and to ask for and seek those qualities out in those that I decide to have around me.  This has been very difficult to internalize, but I am gaining the will and strength to follow that path everyday. 

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