SHAME

June 12, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Shame blinds us to the fact that love is inside each of us waiting to be discovered.” BRB p. 168

“We are often broken when we come to ACA.  Through denial, we don’t even know what we don’t know. It takes time to realize how badly bruised (emotionally and sometimes physically) we were as kids. Shame ruined our sense of self. We had a self when we were born, but it was chipped away day after day until we seemed to be in shreds. There was little left but the reflection of our parents’ hateful and frightening words and actions.

Some of us may have felt confused when we started recovery as we were told to reach inside for our self-worth. We didn’t know that we had any and we doubted ourselves at every turn. Even though we felt hopeless, we hung onto the words we heard in the meetings. We saw others recovering and it felt hopeful. It helped to read the literature on a daily basis, and eventually we felt a shift happening.

We continued our Step work, going to meetings, relying on a Higher Power and reaching our Inner Child. We began to truly see our value. No longer defined by the shaming voices of the past, we had a new image of ourselves – a true image of the valuable person we always were.

On this day I look at myself through the eyes of recovery, not through the eyes of my caretakers from childhood. I see the love inside me that continues to grow.”

My Experience:

This is me, shamed filled from the beginning of my journey!

Alternative Universe

They told me I was an animal, they said I wasn’t smart

Opining “He’s alive”, the abbey normal brain was a part

They beat me into submission and they caged me in

Never acknowledging that perhaps it was because of my skin

Afraid they may unleash another Dr. or Malcolm with which to deal

Perhaps even another Panther for others caps to peel

The weight became too heavy, it was too much to bear

The points of their barbs pierced me now and I didn’t care

As the arrows struck, I stood there as I braved

Convinced that I was evil, my mind finally caved

This is me now!

New Paradigm

Convinced that I was wicked, that I was no good

Never really had a chance to be completely understood

Why would they take the chance to recognize me

When I could not completely appreciate the evil that was me

Then I learned about forgiveness, and applied to myself

Realizing these were only deeds which swelled my knowledge wealth

What I ended up absorbing that was the greatest gift to bore

These deeds need not define who I am at my core

My spirit is forgiving, my demeanor is un-cruel

I live my life following my own life-affirming rules

My trueness includes tenderness and compassion in my heart

These are the traits that existed inside me from the start

I was convinced over a lifetime of my sinful ways

I now speak this new paradigm into existence every day.

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