SEXUAL COMPULSIVITY
April 7, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Many adult children have struggled with sexual compulsivity that has brought great sorrow and a hellish isolation from society.” BRB p.247
“We isolated ourselves, even when we were with others. Our bodies did not belong to us, even though we didn’t think of it that way. We found ourselves in sticky situations, being sexual with people we didn’t like. Afterwards we felt sick. The feeling of being raped again came up but we didn’t know where it came from. We were sure that nothing had really happened to us because when we were children our protectors said that it didn’t, or it was no big deal. We wanted to believe them. We wanted to hold onto the fantasy that we were loved and cared for.
As we recover, we learn to treat ourselves, including our bodies, with respect. We don’t let others touch us when we don’t want to be touched. We realize that having sex outside of a committed relationship may be unsafe for us. We know that we can stop being sexual at any time with our loved one when feelings come up that need attention.
On this day I realize that healthy sex comes from trust and respect with a person that I love and who loves me back. I know they love me, not just because they say so, but because they show me by how they treat me.”
My Experience:
This one is tough. As a man there is a certain machoism that tells us we always have control. We pursue and we don’t get pursued. All the sex we have had has been healthy. But this is not true, at least for me it isn’t. This one applies to us men too. We can say no, we can respect our bodies as we come to realize that healthy sex comes from trust and respect. Trust in ourselves and the person we are with and respect of our bodies and the respect that is provided to and from our partner. This respect could come in the form of appropriate conversations beforehand, respecting of your boundaries, respecting your need to connect, etc. I have spent a lifetime not really understanding this. In recovery, I breathe much better knowing that I now have true control over myself and I provide myself the trust and respect that I need.
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