SEXUAL ABUSE
Sept 19, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“If you were touched, fondled, forced to perform sex acts, asked to perform sex acts, or watch sex acts as a child, it was not your fault no matter what the circumstance or no matter what was said by the adult or teen abusing you.” BRB p. 174
“Many of us came from sexually charged homes. We became part of our parents’ sex life if they had sex in front of us. We may have been forced to listen to them talk about sex at the dinner table like it was no big deal. We might have been made a part of their extra-marital affairs when they fought about it in front of us and talked about it behind each other’s backs.
We may have felt responsible for all of this. Our youth and sexuality were stolen from us because we couldn’t protect ourselves. Their words became ingrained in us before we knew we were hurt. We may have acted out with other children to try and make sense of what we had heard, felt, and been exposed to. But then shame set in. Even so, it was hard to stop ourselves from sometimes being excited by the attention. We knew intuitively that this was a way we could get love, even though it felt bad.
Through ACA, we learn that no matter what happened to us, we know today that we are not alone, and that we aren’t to blame.
On this day I will acknowledge my intense feelings that are tied up with any sexual abuse I experienced. I will stop myself from taking responsibility for what was done to me.”
My experience:
My household was not sexually charged; actually it was quite the opposite. Since there was no open loving, touching, bonding, etc. provided, the suppression damaged me as much as the opposite would have. It left me unable to appreciate someone giving me love. In fact I have described someone touching me as physically hurtful. When I think about it, I was truly like Christian Gray in “Fifty Shades of Gray.” I could touch others, and enjoy providing love, but I could never truly appreciate the reciprocal. So it stands to reason that I could only withstand the receiving of love for so long before I could not stand it anymore and had to rush to be free of the physical pain of it all. This almost always pushed me into an abyss of isolation and depression from which I never knew when I would come out of. Those that pushed, as of course they could not understand, had to deal with the Gladiator, thus further damaging us. It was a vicious never ending cycle.
I am starting to understand the damage that my adults must have gone through and that they did not withhold love to damage me personally, it was what they knew. I understand now that I must re-parent myself and show me love. I do this by enjoying life more. I am less guarded, I try new things, I take care of my mind by reading and expressing myself through writing. These things I really enjoy and I take the time to do those things and not let others encroach on that time. I no longer try to take on the tasks of the world and have eliminated those in my life that continue to try to drag me down and/or are sources of pain in my life. I am free of them, my mind is free to enjoy today!!
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