SELF-SABOTAGE

Nov 23, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Many of us learned to victimize ourselves with self-destructive behaviors. We were taught to devalue ourselves early on, and had to join in our own victimization as a way to survive.

Unfortunately, the survival mechanisms we learned in order to cope hurt us just as deeply now as they did in the past, maybe even more so.  Why? Because as adults we feel we should be able to change things at will. But without the necessary skills and insight, this is almost impossible.

In ACA we learn that no matter when or how our destructive behaviors and thoughts started, we are capable of experiencing new ways of being. But we don’t do it alone. We invite our Higher Power and other ACAs to join us on our healing journey. When we have enough faith in ourselves to move in this direction, we become ready to release our self-destructive behavior.

As part of this process, we begin to grieve and heal the losses we’ve experienced, both because of our own actions and the actions of those who raised us. We learn to give ourselves unconditional love and draw upon the energy of other ACAs and our Higher Power. We embrace this positive support system that can get us through our darkest days.”

My experience:

My biggest self-destructive behavior is non-communication.  I could not communicate what I needed and/or wanted, so I suffered in silence.  In relationships, when I could not take the suffering any longer, I sought solace elsewhere, thus damaging myself even further.  When I truly felt love, I could not appreciate it because I equated love with pain.  As much as I wanted it, I did not trust it.  The deep seated realization of inevitable pain was too great.  I wanted to believe, but I had no frame of reference. I have spent a lifetime of doing things and figuring things out on my own.  I needed a different frame of reference.

With the help of a counselor, sponsor and fellow traveler, I am getting there.  I am starting to understand what I need and want in my life. I am beginning to communicate those wants and needs to myself.  I am beginning to believe that I deserve them.  I truly understand that love is not painful.  Love is solace, love is peaceful, love is spine tingling, love is me. I show love in the tears I cry, in the words I choose, in the looks I give, in the gentleness that I provide, in the tender forehead kiss, in the poems that I write.  I deserve love in the same way.  Thank you to those on my journey for allowing me to express and receive love.