SELF-FORGIVENESS

May 27, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Self-forgiveness is an elusive concept for adult children. We ask that the adult child keep an open mind and consider that God has already forgiven the person.” BRB p. 113

“Forgiving others was tough enough, but for some of us, forgiving ourselves seemed a monumental task. We carried the shame and guilt passed down from generation to generation, from one hurt person to the next in a chain for maybe hundreds of years. We may have found that we needed to act compulsively to stay numb to the pain: maybe we chose drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, approval, cutting, video games, power, rules, or spending. We lived in fear because deep down we thought we were unlovable.

In ACA, we learn that we can have a relationship with a healing Higher Power that we can define in any way we want. If our families were abusive and perfectionistic we no longer bow down to them. We reject the feelings of despair and hopelessness because they no longer belong to us.

As we begin to forgive ourselves for real or imagined wrongs, we become ready to reparent our Inner child. In doing so, we make room for a new outlook, one that allows us to believe that part of us is already whole and sane, already with our Higher Power, and already forgiven. As we continue to heal, we will come to understand that we were forgiven all along.

On this day I will hold my bead high and act as if I am forgiven, even if I don’t fully believe it.”

My Experience:

What happened to me in my childhood resulted in a lot of self-hate.  Traits and habits that I developed over a lifetime simply perpetuated this hate.  Whether it was numbing the pain with alcohol, food, sex, spending, power, sugar, etc. while it was hurtful to others, it was absolutely destructive to me.  Every trait and habit that I participated in left less and less for the next person/encounter.  I found myself trusting only those that were battle tested.

BATTLE TESTED

A breakthrough has occurred and more I know me

I wish I had this knowledge way back in the ‘d’

Not freely given this thing called trust

Prove yourself in battle with me you must

My homies, they have had opportunity galore

Whether on the field, in the field or anything more

They are who I can have faith this is true

But to prove yourself I am not sure how you do

My boys and I will suit up freely

To march into battle with them and with me

This security I needed when I was a lad

Without it then kept me lonely and sad

Unable to entrust my adults with this task

During their watch, I was abandoned and harassed

So a gladiator I did become you see

Traveling with those on the same mission as me

I now realize that proving is not what I need

But trust in and of itself is what I should heed

Loving and trusting as a brave little soul

Will provide me conscious relief that will make me whole

Not looking for you to protect, just having my back

I regret testing you with the trust I did lack

I know this drove you so far away

I couldn’t comprehend but I did want you to stay

How confusing all this must have been

Me so loving once then you on trial again

Just know that I now recognize this flaw

And am now working on this iceberg to thaw

So I am sorry if I didn’t have the capacity

I know that it hurt you, but it also hurt me

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