SELF-DOUBT
Sept 8, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“We believe that something is wrong with us even though we cannot voice what the things is. With this belief, we can go through our adult lives silently condemning ourselves and doubting ourselves as a normal course of living.” BRB p. 30
“When most of us came to ACA we had tried different approaches to change that may have helped move us forward a bit, but the underlying suffering and self-sabotage persisted. We were aware of our patterns, but we didn’t know how to stop them.
It was easy for us to think there was something wrong that we couldn’t stop. We thought we were doomed to this fate, and the hopelessness of it led to and perpetuated addictive and dysfunctional behaviors. This helped us feel alone and isolated, afraid to come out of hiding to expose the roots we were so ashamed of.
If we’re fortunate and courageous enough to practice ACA recovery, we start to emerge from the “curse-like” nature of these painful thoughts. We feel glimpses of hope and promise that there is a way to stop repeating these painful patterns. We can stop condemning and doubting ourselves by speaking our truth in a safe and empathetic environment with other ACAs. We discover we are not alone; others have felt the same self-condemnation and self-doubt. This helps liberate us. We begin to build bridges that open ourselves to a new freedom and self-love that is ultimately what we’ve longed for.
On this day I will continue to be honest about my self-doubts and have the courage to tell my story. I will remember that I am not alone in this journey.”
My experience:
How true this is. If you are somewhat honest, at least with yourself, you know there is some problem but you cannot see a way to fix it. I was honest with myself and knew there was something “wrong” but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I tried counseling, and it helped some, but it only provided minimal relief and answers to questions that were embedded deep inside me. Questions and answers that I had no way of getting to. I returned again and again to my mainstay coping mechanism of stuffing my feelings, which meant not only stuffing the bad thoughts/feelings, but any good ones I may have had as well. Yet I still suffered and self-sabotaged a lot as I could not believe that I deserved any real good or that it would be lasting.
Those thoughts changed the first evening I walked into an ACA meeting. I could not believe that I was no longer the only one on the planet with “my” problems/feelings/thoughts. This is the first time that I have genuinely cried, because I no longer felt alone. Although I don’t think I spoke at that meeting or for several meetings after, just the words that people shared made me feel that I was in a place that understood. Hope emerged, and I could go on another day. That I could change became real for me. I know now, that “I will never be the same!”
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