SEEKING AFFIRMATION
Nov 30, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Most adult children constantly seek affirmation but do not truly believe compliments and praise when they come.” BRB p. 187
“Some of us cringed at our own birthday parties because we were uncomfortable with the attention we had originally sought. When our partners found us attractive, we felt nervous and distracted. When others complimented us, the only way we felt worthy of the praise was by returning it.
We achieved all our goals only to find that we were not satisfied. Our dream life with our dream job and dream relationship still didn’t fix us. The more successful we were, the more anxious we became.
As we heal in ACA, we learn to accept compliments without needing to return them. We can let the words hang in the air like sweet perfume. We can enjoy when we do something well, not because someone is watching, not because we expect affirmation from someone else, but because we know we did a good job.
More importantly, we can even allow ourselves to fail and still love those wounded parts inside of us – even when others do not. At least we made the effort. Maybe our mistakes will eventually lead to success, but even if they don’t, we will be all right. Our relationships with our Higher Power and Inner Children become enough for us. We are enough, just as we are for today, and every day.”
On this day, if I do something imperfectly, I will remember that I also do a lot of things right. I have many reasons to be proud of myself.”
My experience:
I have spent a lifetime seeking affirmation. However, since I didn’t feel like I deserved it, or that it would ever come, I have spent a lifetime in misery. Any compliment like, “How smart you are” or “How good you look” would have made a huge difference but since I never received I was always pushing to do more and/or to do better. I know some will say, but it got you to be more successful, etc. What it got me was chasing being perfect and never achieving. It got me being prideful in my appearance, probably too much so, and never able to accept a compliment because I felt like I didn’t deserve. It wore me down, it broke my spirit, it taught me to accept unacceptable behavior. I was never taught to enjoy an accomplishment or a goal, so whenever I achieved, I immediately reset the target. I didn’t bask in glory of the achievement, I could never be satisfied. If I let my guard down to somewhat enjoy, I might be found out. Found out that I was unworthy, unlovable, or unable to be cared for. So I kept moving. Even in love I found myself wondering when I would be found out. When will they realize I am unlovable, when will they leave. I lived a very fear based existence.
With some recovery I am able to now bask in my own affirmations. I enjoy the goals and the fruits of my labor. My seeking affirmation outside myself is subsiding. This is a program of progress not perfection so I understand that I still have a long way to go on this affirmation piece. I am better equipped to realize that I am lovable for who I am and if someone leaves it isn’t because I am unlovable or unworthy. I can now stop and smell the roses, stop being on the move and care for myself. What a relief that is!