SAFETY

Nov 26, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Arriving at the bridge between denial and acceptance was painful. What were we to do now that the brutality of the past was revealed? What were we to do with the internal mess that we had been left with from childhood? What were we to do with the tattered remains of a heart cast in stone, the plethora of emotions under lock and key, the inability to reach out?

When we find ACA, we realize we are about to cross over a bridge. We come to know that there will be no going back. This is an irreversible process of progress from pain, sorrow and suffering to health, joy and peace. All we need to do is avail ourselves of others and begin our journey with the first step forward. It isn’t easy, but it is a lot less painful than staying stuck in our own absolute uncertainty. Once on the other side, we see how deeply self-protective we had become. No longer is it necessary to hide from others by looking down at the ground. We move our gaze into the eyes of those who understand how we feel, and we find safety in their unconditional concern for our well-being.”

My experience:

I was so used to the way I was treated and the subsequent survival skills I developed during my childhood that I didn’t recognize the behavior displayed towards me as being unhealthy.  In fact, even in the rooms of recovery, after hearing stories of much more horrendous treatment, I thought my story was not bad enough to share.  I have since learned, from encouragement from a fellow traveler, that just because I believe that my story is not so bad, there is someone who needs to hear it. Someone in the room, on any particular day, can relate and needs to hear my survival.  They need to hear how my recovery is going surrounding the behavior; they need to know that they too can recover.  I fully realized that the day I shared about developing into a gladiator.  Many people reached out to thank me for my story as they could totally relate.  Perhaps you can too.

Gladiator

It’s you against me and why would you dare

You will never survive because I just don’t care

My cunning and my slyness has helped me befall

I will lure you in and destroy you, mind and all

But if it’s a physical battle that you rather engage

Oh good lord, you can’t even fathom the rage

I have been thrown in the pit like a bull for a fight

There is no way for you to win, no-no not tonight

As a rooster I will pick your brains and your eyes

I will beat you into submission and tell you bye-bye

And when you tap out, and you will indeed

I will slit your fucking throat and watch you bleed

I will slash your Achilles and ice pick your knee

I will bite your nuts off if you fuck with me

It’s those that were supposed to love me that created this course

Apparently they failed to impart compassion and remorse