RESPONSIBILITY
Dec 13, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Freedom from alcoholic insanity is a question of responsibility. We cannot be responsible for something we did not create.” BRB p.88
We thought of ourselves as something worthless at the center of the universe. We had tried to commit suicide in many ways, both emotionally and physically, thinking to ourselves “Maybe this time they will see what is going on.” But nothing changed and neither did our perpetrators. We spent all of this energy for what?
In ACA, we learn that we are the ones who have to change. To do so, we first need to let go of the responsibility for the alcoholic insanity. It has always been unmanageable with or without us.
We start to see that we deserve to have a chance at a sane life, even though we aren’t quite sure what that would be like. We look out before us and see there is light ahead. We can’t see what it is, but we also can’t stop moving towards it. It feels good and warm. That scares us at first, but it also feels new and exciting.
We put down our shame and our addictions that no longer serve us. We release our character defenses. It is time to see what this thing called life is about. We allow ourselves to walk forward.
On this day I will remember that I am responsible for myself, but not for the insanity of my childhood. I will use the memories to heal myself, but then leave them in the past so I can be free.
My experience:
I recently watched the 1971 movie “Harold and Maude” this was a classic depiction of what is described above. Harold tried the craziest things to get the attention of his parents, including hanging himself in the living room, and none of them ever worked. As a child growing up in the insanity I too did all I could to get the attention. Good grades, good athlete, good citizen, but to no avail. The funny thing is, the parents of all of my friends recognized and complimented me all the time, made sure I was fed, etc. Those acts of kindness probably saved me and kept me on a righteous path. Thank you Higher Power!
I still spent a lifetime trying to please those around me that could never be pleased. The weight of this finally came crashing down, but ACA offered me a soft landing. I now understand that although everyone has the ability to change, I cannot change them. I guess I needed a baseball bat to the head to finally get that. I had to change. I had to recognize that I need to do those things for myself that offer me happiness. I need to appreciate my accomplishments and create goals that are pleasing to me and without regard to what others think. I needed to recognize the lights at the end of the tunnel and although scary, approach and get to the other side. I also needed to recognize that it was ok to be wrong. If I reached the goal and it did not offer what I thought it would, then I could pursue some other goal if need be or learn from the choice that I made. Life is not a zero-sum game. Just because you make achoice that turns out to not be the best does not mean you cannot change course, pursue a different goal, or decide the path is not right for you. The point is to move forward and pursue what I believe is worth pursing not someone else’s goals and/or what they determine is right for me to pursue.
Join me in this pursuit of your happiness!!