RELATIONSHIPS

Jan 21 from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“We remember we can talk, trust, and feel instead of control, isolate, and fume. Relationships can be different in recovery.” BRB p.291

“As children we relied on our survival traits to protect us from harm. Gradually, they grew stronger and more ingrained as we encountered greater levels of family dysfunction and the resulting fear. We carried our traits into adulthood. Initially, we were unaware of their effects, but our relationships suffered.     

Through ACA, we realize our survival traits no longer serve us. When we consider emotional intimacy, we may feel scared and at risk for hurt. However, if we risk sharing ourselves with another, we become capable of having a true relationship.

Trusting another person with our most vulnerable selves is a new and maybe scary practice. We can let the other person earn our trust gradually as the relationship develops. We can ask for what we need rather than manipulate to get what we want. We can identify and share our feelings without shutting down or ruminating endlessly. We no longer need to keep our True Selves blocked inside.  When we risk honesty and openness with another, we discover a world of new possibilities, including love.         

On this day I have the courage to break old patterns that keep me from deeper connections with the people in my life.”

My experience:

Just before entering this program I remember thinking to myself after an argument, “I acted like a 10 year old having a tantrum.”  And then I realized I have been displaying this type of behavior my entire life.  But I didn’t know what to do in order to change.  I suppressed the feelings as much as I could, only to come out more violently later.  Lucky for me the program was right around the corner.  I now understand that these were survival traits that I developed over the years.  I now understand that these traits no longer serve me well, especially with close relationships.  I am slowly approaching openness and trust, but it is not easy.  I am working on it daily and cannot wait to enjoy the world of new possibilities when I can fully open and trust.  I guess what I am trying to say today is, even in the program you will have struggles, but tools are available to you to help you through the struggles.  You have a sponsor, fellow travelers, literature, meetings, and even perhaps a therapist to help you through these struggles.  I am leaning on all of these resources right now to help me through.  You should too!