RELATIONSHIP ANOREXIA

April 13, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

”Many lost children practice ‘relationship anorexia.’” BRBp.135

“Adult children learn a lot of things growing up in a dysfunctional home. Unfortunately, one of the primary things we learned was not to trust. We learned to place a wall around us for protection from pain.

This wall follows us into adulthood and shadows all of our relationships with acquaintances, friends, co-workers, and most importantly, our intimate relationship with a partner/spouse. We find that, unlike our family of origin, a healthy relationship calls for a degree of trust, something so foreign to us that our safety feels threatened.

When given the choice to let down our guard and allow someone to breach our protective wall, some of us choose to either prevent or end a relationship. We fear failure but sabotage our own success.

As we get emotionally stronger in our ACA recovery program, we start removing the bricks from our wall, knowing that now we can accept what life brings us with the love and support we have for ourselves, as well as from our Higher Power and fellow travelers.

On this day I will continue to grow emotionally with the knowledge that ACA and my Higher Power will guide me in gaining the strength to trust others.”

My Experience:

My wall of misery and mistrust was built very solidly.  I could not even recognize that it was there.  Over the years I grew comfortable with it and acquiesced to the fact I was who I was.  That was wrong, I was who I was made to be.  Today I understand that may have been who I was, but it is not who I am today.  I offer sorry today as I tear down this wall.

SORRY

Oblivious are those that tried to love me

I was damaged goods and you could not see

The devastating world of childhood did not prepare

For a person like you to reach out and care

Funny thing, I actually craved your caress

But my wounds would not allow you full access

You wanted intimacy that was honest and real

I offered you some but could not fully deal

As you ventured closer, the gladiator did emerge

Ready to ambush you as you approached the verge

My view was you taking something I did not have to give

In retrospect I see that was no way to live

Because I now see close you wanted to be

You saw something that made you want to be next to me

But this concept was new and I couldn’t accept as law

You pushed, or maybe you didn’t, but that is what I saw

I apologize if the gladiator kept you at bay

To those that loved me I offer sorry today

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