RELAPSE
May 9, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“In ACA, we have stories of relapse and the importance of getting back to the program if relapse occurs.” BRB p. 391
“We may have thought that relapse was only for others with more serious, life threatening addictions, not those of us in ACA. We had been abused. We were the ones in the right. If we let our character defects get out of hand once in a while, we were entitled, weren’t we? That wasn’t relapse. That wasn’t even life-threatening.
By taking an honest look at ourselves in the Fourth Step, we see that emotional relapse can be just as life-threatening as anything else. We realize how we may have relapsed when we’ve gone back to our family of origin too often, hoping things would be different. But instead, “we watched them tear each other to shreds and found ourselves participating, even a little bit. Maybe we’ve ignored our screaming Inner Child as we practiced other self-harming behavior, ignoring our Higher Power in favor of our old compulsive self-reliance.
Seeing how susceptible we can be to relapse, just as those who deal with substance abuse, we become more vigilant, but not in the way of our childhood hypervigilance. This vigilance is an awareness of how “awake” we are. We are mindful about maintaining conscious contact with our Inner Child and our Higher Power through our daily inventory. We create the time and space we need to move forward on our journey, no longer abandoning ourselves.
On this day I will maintain daily contact with my Inner Child and my Higher Power to help me stay focused so that I avoid emotional relapse.”
My Experience:
It is very easy to relapse. Why? Because this has been my go to move since I can remember. In fact, although acting out in my addiction is not good for me, I have done it so long that I have become comfortable in its dysfunction. It envelopes me like a warm blanket because it is known. It’s the unknown that is scary. As I open myself up to the blessings of the program and start to heal, more and more unknown is revealed. I get further and further away from the blanket of comfort and become more fully exposed. Once exposed, I have to feel the feelings and deal with the issues I have historically not dealt with. This presents a lot of pain as I walk, now without my gladiator, but with my Higher Power. My Higher Power is walking me towards the light but is allowing me to feel pain that I have never felt before. Healing only comes when you walk and stay on the path of lightness. Sometimes you have to overcome some hurdles to get there. Like my sponsor says, “if it is in the way, then that is the way.”
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