PROMISE NINE
Sept 15, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set.” BRB p. 591
“As children, our integrity was badly mangled. Physical, psychological, social, and spiritual boundaries were rarely, if ever, respected in our homes. As a result of this conditioning, we didn’t learn to honor our own boundaries or those of others. If we grew up in a house where our toes were continually stepped on and no one took responsibility, we may have become toe-steppers and believed it was normal.
We “come to” at ACA meetings. We learn about respecting boundaries at our first meeting when we observe the no cross talk rule. This healthy boundary allows each of us to express our reality without comment, judgment or placating behavior. As we continue to attend meetings and share our experiences, we may discover other levels of toe-stepping that we are still acting out.
Through the Steps, we discover how our childhood boundaries were violated. From there, we progress to acknowledging how those violations affect us today. Through reparenting ourselves, we reestablish healthy internal and external boundaries. We begin to restore our integrity by making others – even those in authority – aware of the healthy limits we are setting in our lives.
On this day I will honor healthy boundaries at my ACA meetings. I will use them as stepping stones to acknowledging my buried childhood memories and feelings. I am learning to set boundaries with integrity.”
My experience:
Each of us has our own unique childhood experiences. Perhaps you were regularly beaten, had to endure inconsistent parenting and you were punished for telling the truth, maybe you came from a family where children were “seen but not heard.” Perhaps you were punished harshly for relatively minor offenses or for offenses for which it was unreasonable for you to have known were even offenses. These and similar acts that I had to endure, I call, “my normal.” Having no clue that this was unacceptable behavior towards anyone, let alone a child, I learned to live with “my normal.” “My normal” caused my childhood to be an act of survival. Let that sink in for a second…survive…childhood. I now know that those two words should never be spoken in the same sentence let alone next to each other. I now recognize the survival that I endured and because of this I examine every thought I have about what is normal and acceptable behavior. When I have a tendency to act and/or react a certain way, I stop myself to examine if this is really normal. In most cases I have deemed that it is not, but I still have the feelings inside associated with the reaction. I then have to work through the feelings and work to provide a more appropriate response to the stimuli.
With my children, I practiced a form of harm reduction, or so I thought. I knew instinctively that the beatings I took were not good, so I provided a single swat spanking, or I yelled. However I now know that each of these acts was just as damaging as what I endured. Since I have recently been blessed with a grandchild, I can better assist my child with navigating through these negative behaviors and help their child have a much more positive childhood experience.
In my program I am learning to re-parent myself and establish healthier boundaries with everyone around, including my children, spouse, work, and other adults in my life. It is not always easy, but I am in a much better place than I was just three short years ago.
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