PROMISE FIVE

May 15, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses.” BRB p. 591

Being left without a means of finding our way back is the essence of our abandonment. As a child in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, we were required to leave our True Selves behind. Our false selves took the lead so that we could try to avoid the inevitable pain and disappointment. This gave us a long-lasting impression that anyone we cared about would leave us too.

Drawn to people who also want to recreate the abandonment drama, our lives seem to be an endless loop of attraction, distraction, and abandonment.

We face our abandonment with the tools of recovery.  The challenging 12 Step work we do brings with it an ability to find our way back. Able to realize our powerlessness, our thorough inventory reveals the source of our disconnection from our True Selves.

In our meetings, we learn to nurture our Inner Child by understanding the role of our inner loving parent. We make better choices and see that the strengths and weaknesses folks have are but an expression of their humanness. We can decide to whom we will be attracted.

On this day I will use the tools of recovery, meetings, telephone calls, and fellow travelers to face my True Self abandonment, and find a way back to wholeness with consistent use of the Steps and Traditions.

My Experience:

“This gave us a long-lasting impression that anyone we cared about would leave us too.”  This hit me really hard, so much so that it brought tears to my eyes.  When I think about those that I have been involved with in the past, I believe I approached the situation thinking they will eventually leave me.  I could not trust they would be there for any significant amount of time.  I was always on edge thinking today will be the day they abandon me.  I pretended to be who I thought they wanted in their life but knew I could not wear that mask forever.  I had no idea how to be me.  What I do know now, the person I was would not allow a person to be around for any length of time unless they were battle tested.  For now, I will just keep on the road to recovery, discovering who I really am, continue to ask for what I need, and let the chips fall where they may!

BATTLE TESTED

A breakthrough has occurred and more I know me

I wish I had this knowledge way back in the D

Not freely given this thing called trust

Prove yourself in battle with me you must

My homies, they have had opportunity galore

Whether on the field, in the field or anything more

They are who I can have faith this is true

But to prove yourself I am not sure how you do

My boys and I will suit up freely

To march into battle with them and with me

This security I needed when I was a lad

Without it then kept me lonely and sad

Unable to entrust my adults with this task

During their watch, I was abandoned and harassed

So a gladiator I did become you see

Traveling with those on the same mission as me

I now realize that proving is not what I need

But trust in and of itself is what I should heed

Loving and trusting as a brave little soul

Will provide me conscious relief that will make me whole

Not looking for you to protect, just having my back

I regret testing you with the trust I did lack

I know this drove you so far away

I couldn’t comprehend but I did want you to stay

How confusing all this must have been

Me so loving once then you on trial again

Just know that I now recognize this flaw

And am now working on this iceberg to thaw

So I am sorry if I didn’t have the capacity

I know that it hurt you, but it also hurt me

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