PLACING OURSELVES LAST
Dec 11, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves.” BRB p. 589
When we arrived at ACA, many of us realized we had a pattern of putting all others before ourselves. It seemed that their lives were more important than ours, and we just got the crumbs or whatever was left over. We had developed a “What about Me?” victim persona.
Some of us noticed this when we finally became so tired of not being listened to by friends and family. We thought, “Hey, I want to talk about my life, my interests, my challenges, too!” This deprivation had led us to feeling lethargic, hopeless, and depressed. We were wallowing in self-pity, compulsions, or addictions to numb our pain.
In recovery, we find ourselves transforming this pattern. Our unconscious compulsive reactions are lessening. We find freedom from our survival traits when we talk in meetings and with our fellow travelers. We work the Steps. We meditate and pray. We read and write about our thoughts and feelings. We begin opening up, ready and willing to turn our dysfunctional patterns over to our Higher Power. We see how our wounded Inner Child is responding to our inner loving parent’s compassion.
On this day I know there is an alternative to being overly concerned with others rather than myself. Gradually, more of my needs are met and I feel I am finally listened to”
My experience:
For a lifetime I have fought to be listened to and heard. I controlled my environment in order to better accomplish this. My control mainly consisted of an inner burn that would erupt at any given time, sort of like a volcano. I was taught that everyone else came first. As achild you didn’t have a voice, and you needed to acquiesce to what the adults wanted. As an adult, you had to cow down to the needs of children, your significant other, your bosses, etc. But what about me, what about what I wanted. It always seemed as though it didn’t matter. This is what you signed up for, you are the man and you must make it happen for everyone else, and if there was something left for you, then you could get some of what you might want.
This made me think about why do some people walk away from their relationships? I would guess more times than not, it’s because they feel that there is nothing left for them. They would rather walk away from their life half lived in order to live a full life.
As an example of nothing left, there was a time when Iwanted to do something for myself like go golfing, etc. I would go to the ATM only to find out there was not enough money there for me to golf. I have to tell you, relative to the general population, my wife and I make a pretty high wage. After several conversations and arguments, etc. I decided to carve money out in the beginning of the month, placed in a different account, so that when I wanted to do something I could and know that the money was there. I was putting myself first for a change. Some may see this as selfish; however it is me taking care of me. This applies to all aspects of your life. You must take care of you.
How are you placing yourself first?