PERFECTIONISM

Dec 1, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“A more subtle and powerful undercurrent in our alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families was ever-present control, although the type of control may not have always seemed clear. Whether our houses resembled museums or they were well-cluttered, expressions of love may have been flowery and superficial and had strings attached.  The essence of these dysfunctional expressions was not authentic, and we knew it.

The actual object of all the cleanliness or sloppiness, and pseudo expression of love, was inauthentic. Deep inside, our True Self saw that the real motive was the suppression of the possibility of admitting that things were out of control.

So we bought in and “acted out” this subconscious conflict to both avoid being ostracized and to keep our own feelings of being out of control from surfacing.

Gradually, when the sense of chaos crept into our consciousness as adults, and we hit an emotional, spiritual and physical bottom, we found ACA.  In this humbled state, we are given the gift of recovery as we recollect the memories of our upbringing, admit our terror and grieve our losses.” 

“On this day I will examine the control in my family and the effect it’s had in my adult life.  I will practice the ACA program to help process the unexpressed traumatic fear and buried memories so that I may be free of control.”

My experience:

I bought in lock, stock and barrel.  I tried to be perfect in everything I did.  So when I did something that went against societal “norms” I had extreme internal conflict.  I felt as if I was this bad person and tried to hide it from everyone around me.  This was an immense burden that caused my “bottom” to clearly be seen.  What a relief to have had this lifeline thrown to me before something cataclysmic happened, like a heart attack, stroke, or nervous breakdown.

How do I deal with societal norms now?  I say, “Fuck societal norms!!”  I have choices and my choices are no less important than yours.  Just because you have bought into these societal graces doesn’t mean I have to.  Now, I am not talking about causing mayhem and/or imposing my will on others.  But if I find love outside of my race then so be it.  If I choose to exclude certain people from my life, I can do that.  Hell, if I want to live in a tent in the woods, let me be. You no longer get to speak on what I term, “grown folks business.”

Happy Birthday Grandpa!!