PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

Oct 28, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“By addressing our fear, we release some of our glaring behaviors of manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and false kindness.” BRBp.40

“We grew up in homes where love was conditional.  How we were treated depended on how we acted. Many of us were so fearful of being punished or ostracized that we learned to manipulate those around us. Some of us became very good at passive-aggressive behavior; we learned to get what we thought we wanted or needed without directly asking for it by putting on a false mask.

Because these were survival mechanisms based in fear, as adults we realized that we weren’t really getting what we needed. For some of us, the frustration of feeling like we had to operate in this manner often built to a point where we would explode, sending ourselves spiraling into some form of addiction to cope. Eventually, we landed in a place where we didn’t know who we really were.

For those of us who are “lucky,” when all of our tactics failed us, we found our way to an ACA meeting. This is where we begin to face our underlying fears and learn how to be honest with ourselves. We start to relate to others in a healthy manner. Yes, it’s challenging to change such ingrained habits, but we know it’s possible. We see others in the program doing it all around us.

On this day, if I am tempted to manipulate others with old behaviors, I will affirm for myself that I am capable of new, healthy, life affirming behavior.”

My experience:

Program has taught me to look at my thoughts, behaviors, motives, etc.  When I am able to honestly assess them, I can then decide if they are pure or not.  If they are, I figure out the kindest way to move forward, but know that whatever it is I need to get out, I cannot worry about how someone else will take the information.  If they are not pure, I decide what it is I need to pursue and let go of the passive-aggressive part of it.  I then figure out the kindest way to approach it and let others take charge of their feelings around it.  I am not perfect of course, but I am getting better at it one day at a time.  What a much better way for me to live.  It allows serenity to enter my life and to free myself of old habits, angers, behaviors, thoughts, and motives. 

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