PARENTAL BLAME
Oct 29, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“It is not the purpose of the Twelve Steps of ACA to place blame on the parent or caregivers; however, the adult child also must not shield the parents during the inventory process.” BRB p. 109
Condemning or raging at ourselves for not doing something “right” is a carryover from our dysfunctional childhood. This behavior was programmed into us. In ACA, we learn to change that by re-programming ourselves to be kind to both our Inner Child and our adult self.
When we’re tempted to get stuck in blaming our parents for everything that’s wrong in our lives, we are reminded that ACA is not about blame. We revisit the past to learn why we think and act as we do and find out how to change our thought patterns. And we accept responsibility for our own actions as adults.
While we strive to forgive our parents so we can let go of our resentment, this doesn’t mean we forgive their deeds. We learn to forgive the person separate from the action. Dysfunction is a family disease passed down through the generations. Even though we forgive, it may still be necessary to separate from people who continue to be unsafe.
We recognize where our self-harming behaviors originated and know that we don’t have to hang onto them. We accept that we are human beings, and as such, we know that we will inevitably make mistakes. But we are not now, nor have we ever been a mistake.
On this day I honor myself as my own best friend. I will stop the cycle of self- inflicted emotional abuse learned through the generations of dysfunction.”
My experience:
Since I never knew there was anything wrong as I lived my “normal,” I didn’t know to blame my parents. Coming into ACA I almost immediately got it. And almost immediately I was able to blame them. The struggle came when I had to accept responsibility for my actions. I understand that I developed traits in order to survive childhood, but they didn’t make me develop any certain trait. It was out of the need for survival and what I could do and think of that I developed these traits. These traits led me to some actions for which today I am extremely sorry for. I accept that I did those things. I have made amends to some and will continue to make amends to those that I feel that I owe amends to. The biggest amends that I can make is to change my actions. I know that my actions are mine to own, I don’t blame my parents as they did what they could with what they had. It is hard to come to grips with that. These are the people that are supposed to love and protect you. Just know they loved and protected you the best they knew, they best they were shown. Think about that for a minute!!
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