OVERLY RESPONSIBLE

Jan 27, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Before finding recovery, we suppressed our feelings and were overly responsible. We tried to anticipate the needs of others and meet those needs so we would not he abandoned.” BRB p. 94

Many of us have focused all our efforts on spouses, significant others, or children, trying to do everything possible to make them comfortable and happy. We may have spent so much time with our children and their friends that we were uncomfortably intrusive. Because we feared abandonment, we may have sacrificed ourselves in an attempt to keep our spouses from becoming bored with us.

These actions kept us from admitting, “I’m tired. I’m not interested. I don’t have time.” Eventually, we began to resent them. We deserved to do things we wanted to do, and our family members needed space to breathe, to make their own decisions, to make mistakes and learn from them.

With ACA recovery, we finally get the message that it’s okay to let loved ones do their own thing. It’s okay to let them find happiness through their own actions. Not being constantly involved in their lives does not mean they will abandon us. In fact, it can strengthen our relationships when we all feel the relief of being responsible for ourselves.

On this day I will remember that I do not need to micromanage the lives of those close to me. They will not abandon me simply because I let them live their own lives.

 My Experience:

I never thought I was, but in retrospect I have been codependent.  I have spent years trying to please my significant other so much that I lost myself.  I would have bouts of anger due to it being too much, only to be remorseful for trying to get my needs met and thus the cycle started over.  I am unclear when it started but subsequent significant others probably didn’t even like how I was acting. I have been doing this so long that it was just normal behavior.  What a relief to know I can do the things I need to do for myself and if someone chooses to abandon me or the relationship, it is not my fault.  Each person in any type of relationship is responsible for themselves and gets to make decisions for themselves.  Knowing this brings me great comfort and joy to know I am not responsible for everyone around me.  Thank you ACA.