OLD TAPES

Nov 12, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“The messages received during childhood can seem like an endless tape, the soundtrack of our often dramatic lifestyles.

Underneath the ’scapegoat’ role one can hear the echoes of a caregiver who might have said, “You are a loser.” Beneath the ‘hero’ role, the equally disabling charge of being a “perfect child” rings in the ears. As children, we may have accepted such words as true; what we actually felt was likely denied.

Whether we were belittled for being kids or praised for being perfect, we may have unwittingly carried these charges into our complex adult lives as a secret code of conduct. As we recover, we begin to realize that such messages stole from us our authentic internal sense of worth.

In ACA, we listen carefully for those messages, recognizing their debilitating effects and how we recreate or reinforce them. Then we gradually work to reduce their hold on us.”

My experience:

Interestingly, it seems I was both the hero and the scapegoat.  One clear scapegoat message I heard was I was too loud.  I was shushed all the time.  Even to this day, my mother will shush me when she thinks I am being too loud, intimating that I am an embarrassment.  Perhaps that is why I yell at the top of my lungs when I am angry.  Basically providing a voice that I never had, ensuring that folks hear me.  Shushing me of course plays into the “perfect child” as perfect children are not loud.  Perfect children do what they are told, get good grades, and are seen but not heard.  I was never really acknowledged for my accomplishments, so it was easy to meld into the background.  Going unnoticed made me not enjoy my accomplishments either.  Telling myself, “it’s no big deal.”  I never really enjoyed the now, I seem to always be in pursuit of the next thing.  I was unable to enjoy the beauty of life and the wonderful things that have been presented to me.  I have now been able to slow down, and smell the roses so to speak.  I now enjoy every little glimpse of sunlight in my life.  Even those temporary glimpses of sunshine are beautiful and enjoyable.  The trips to the beach, the walks on the reserve, the road trips to anywhere, I now enjoy it all!! 

What are your old tapes, let ACA help erase them!!