MISTAKES
Sept 14, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Each time we judged ourselves without mercy for common mistakes, there was loss.” BRB p. 199
“Many of us raised in dysfunctional families got the message that there was no room for error. We may have been raised by controlling parents who expected perfection. We were scolded or even abused for making mistakes. We weren’t allowed to be kids and learn from our mistakes or taught that making mistakes was part of being human.
We internalized this judgment. Even after we left our childhood homes, we treated ourselves harshly when we made mistakes. Recurring thoughts may have kept an underlying anxiety alive within us, such as “I’m afraid I’m going to get in trouble. I’m afraid I’m going to get caught.” Some of us were so ashamed of mistakes that we lied or cheated to cover them up. We might even have tried to numb ourselves from the anxiety of it all by engaging in addictive or compulsive behavior.
When we embrace ACA recovery, we discover that we can reveal our imperfections in a supportive fellowship. We can openly share stories of what we used to hide, and receive loving acceptance. We know we’re not alone when we hear someone else share. We feel exhilarated and free when we work the Steps.
On this day I will identity my mistakes I made and judged myself harshly for. I will tell this to at least one person whom I trust and feel unconditional acceptance from.”
My experience:
OMG! I write this as tears flow down my cheeks. Perfection was expected in all cases at all times. Even if I never encountered the situation before, I was expected to know how to get it done without fail. If I wanted to sign up for little league, I was expected to figure out when and where sign ups were. I had to figure out how to register for high school and what I needed to do to play sports. No there was no assistance with homework, and you better figure out how to get to school. From the time I was in probably the 2nd grade, no one was waiting for me at home. I was expected not to lose my key to the house so I could get in when I got home. Failing at any of these things brought quick and furious rebuke. This is how I mastered my survival skills, honing my ability to navigate through treacherous terrain while covering up my feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure.
As a result I developed a mantra of, “failure is not an option.” At work, when asked to complete an assignment, I look at the person straight in the eye and as cool as could be and say I would get it done, usually with little to no direction. Inside I was afraid as hell as I often did not have a clue as to how I was to start the project. Operating in this way, these assignments took long days to complete, caused me to reach out to several people, etc., but ultimately I would get it done, on time, and in most cases, perfectly. It cost a lot though. It took its toll on me, relationships, my children, etc.
I remember an instance having a boss from another area stop by my office to meet me. She said, “I just got out of a meeting with all the big wigs and they talked about you like you were superman, so I had to come and meet you.” In this meeting many of the assignments they had, they said I could complete. It is this confidence that I instilled because I would work as long and hard as I needed to get it done, but I realize now the cost was too high. In recovery I know that I am not perfect and now take solace in saying, “I don’t know” and/or “I will not be able to take that on.”
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