LEARNED HELPLESSNESS

March 27, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“From the nonalcoholic parent we learn helplessness, worry, black-and-white thinking, being a victim, and self-hate.” BRB p.24

“Many of us grew up with one parent who was an abuser and one who was our caretaker. The first abandoned us in the midst of their addiction, whether it was alcohol, sexual acting out, workaholism or something else that took them from us. The other parent seemed to hold things together, and we were grateful. But we were often drawn into their addictions, including their extreme points of view, worry, and playing the relationship victim. We had to participate in order to survive.

As adults, we saw that some of our learned behaviors kept us from owning our own power. Many of us were still afraid of aggressive people. We worried constantly, seemingly about everything. We played the victim at work and in our relationships; we were naturals because our codependent/caretaker parent modeled that behavior for us for years. When we finally realized how we hated ourselves for these behaviors, we knew it was time to get help.

We learn in ACA that our self-destructive behaviors come from both parents. New feelings surface with our realizations, although we aren’t always sure where they come from. It can be startling. But we honor those feelings and don’t push them away.

As we continue to make progress, we release our self-destructive patterns, recognizing their origins. They no longer have a place in our lives.”

My Experience:

Fear is where I have lived for a lifetime.  This manifested itself in many ways.  Checking the locks and windows in the house constantly, making sure my back was never to the door, even checking my rear view to ensure no one was following me.  I also played the victim in that I felt like I could never ask for what I wanted and quite frankly I never even knew what I wanted.  So I was at the mercy of those that I was in a relationship with as I was always trying to give so they would like me.  I was always trying to prove my worth.  What I didn’t realize until this program is, someone should like me for just who I am right now.  Not for whom I can be, not for the potential for change, for who I am today.  I also recognize that as I see things in myself that I want to change I can change those things, but again, I should be liked/loved for who I am at that moment.  Realizing this is so freeing because I no longer have to seek out the approval of others since I like who I am today.  I can choose to move away from those folks that want to judge me or keep me in a place that I no longer want to be.  My helplessness is becoming unlearned. 

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