INTIMACY

March 8, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“What many adult children have described as love or intimacy before reaching ACA was actually codependence or rigid control.” BRB p. 6

“Before we came to program, we thought intimacy was that secret word that pertained to sex and making love. We thought it was about taking care of the other person, doing for the other person, and losing ourselves in the other person – because we loved them so much!

Sure, we all want to be close to our partners, but before recovery many of us lay in the same bed with them and felt a million miles away, starving for affection. We settled for crumbs, and we didn’t even realize it. We did everything to convince ourselves we were that happy family portrait on the wall.

Today, in recovery, intimacy has developed into what it was meant to be. We have honest conversations with our partners and close friends and are not afraid to express opinions. We surround ourselves with people who care about us, people we don’t fear.  We have healthy conversations about money and other important issues, and we don’t coerce or manipulate people through shame and guilt. We fill our cup with the freedom of choice. We have healthy partnerships and understand what real intimacy is about. We feel joy.

On this day I will trust myself enough to be open to true intimacy in my relationships.”

My Experience:

I have been starved for affection for a lifetime.  It started when I was a child and continues to this day.  I felt like I knew what intimacy was, but I could never define it, I could never ask for what I wanted, therefore I could never achieve it.  I could not put into words what I really needed, because never in my life has anyone cared enough to hear what I had to say.  I now define it as gentleness and kindness.  I want the engagement to be gentle, kind and respectful.  There is no reason to have to prove me wrong and you right (and no reason for me to prove you wrong and me right).  I just want to know what you would like and hope that you are interested in knowing what I want.  We can then both work towards that end or compromising to a place that we both can feel good about it.  I have spent a lifetime of being told what to do and or given ultimatums on what needs to happen.  This has always and continues to leave me empty.  I am not pointing the finger at any one person; it is truly pointing the finger at myself for not having the ability or knowledge to pursue gentleness and kindness in my life.  I hope you can relate.