INDECISION
July 24, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Children of alcoholics are paralyzed by indecision when trying to separate emotionally from their homes.” BRB p. 87
“When we started telling our story in ACA, we may have felt like we were betraying everything we had ever known, and we were – but that was okay. Part of recovery is releasing ourselves from the emotional chaos of our family of origin by rebelling, getting mad, and walking out, saying, “I’m not gonna take this anymore.”
We are reparenting ourselves when we detach from our abusers and take responsibility for our own actions. We learn to share what really happened to us with fellow travelers and in meetings. We continue to heal when more memories surface and we work through them. We take care of ourselves by journaling, exercising, and learning to eat healthier.
We may still be paralyzed with indecision at times, but we allow our healed parts to nurture the parts that are still sick and wounded – they show up for each other. We rely on those with more recovery to mentor us by observing how they manage times of stress and peace. We walk towards freedom.
On this day I will make forward movement, even when I am afraid of the consequences. I now have a healthy support system that I know will be there for me, including my inner loving parent.”
My Experience:
The feeling of betrayal ran deep. I have always been “game tight.” This is in reference to say I would never say anything about anything. But as I walked into these rooms of recovery and realizing I was not the only person that survived childhood, I started to understand that I had to talk about the childhood survival, chaos, etc., if I hoped to get any relief. In the beginning I didn’t even have a vision of recovery, I just wanted some relief, feeling somewhat better. But as I continued to speak, journal, write, etc., I understood that recovery was possible. There was just work I needed to do, and that included being honest about my past, share my story and not cling to being “game tight.” I have let it all hang out, and those that are in denial of their past or had the fortune to not be touched by dysfunction of course do not understand. Some in my circle think I have gone crazy or having or approaching a nervous breakdown. What they don’t understand is nothing could be farther from the truth. I am getting better, I am getting healthier, and those that understand that are on the journey with me and they are being helped. So I will keep writing and sharing, all my ACA’s may need to hear it!!
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