IDENTITY

Feb 2 from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

In childhood our identity is formed by the reflection we see in the eyes of the people around us.” BRB p. 84

“Who were our mirrors? It was the people who told us in words and actions how unwanted, bothersome, or stupid we were. We tried to do what they wanted, but it was usually never enough. Any approval we got was conditional.  And it evaporated if we let down our guard by not getting perfect grades, not taking care of our siblings the right way, or not doing the housework well enough. We didn’t know who we really were because our identity was whatever they told us it was.

What brings most of us to ACA is that we eventually get tired of trying, isolating, and stuffing our feelings. This is where we learn to accept that our parents and families are never going to be like the ones on television or down the street. Instead of continuing to recreate the rejection and abandonment we received as children, we learn to love and affirm ourselves. Our sponsors and fellow travelers tell us to accept only what is good, and if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. We keep following these suggestions repeatedly until we notice we are no longer who we were once told we had to be. We are strong and independent.

On this day I define who I am. I am good, and I accept only what is good and healthy in my life.”

My experience:

Wow, what an eye opener and what a perfect definition of those that have imparted their pain on me.  I can clearly now see who my mirrors were and how I lived my life to get their approval.  Since I could never get their approval, I sought to seek out the approval from others, whether it was teachers, friends, even women as I got older.  Nothing filled the hole that was dug so many years ago.  When I got rejected in life, like when I was told I was not good enough to be in an interracial relationship, or some woman dumped me, etc., it just dug the hole that much deeper.  Not only was I trying to live up to my mirrors (read, parents) I was trying to live up to what everyone else seemed to want, instead of me doing me.  Well no more!  I no longer want to live a life that others think I should live.  But I first have to figure out who I am and what I want.  When I do, watch out world, there will be a brand new me!!