HITTING BOTTOM

Nov 27, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“Loneliness is well known by adult children. Whether we were actually alone or in a group of people, we were lonely. Many of us were, or still are, in relationships where we are lonely. This is our experience because we missed a key piece of socialization growing up in a dysfunctional family: how to have a healthy relationship with another human being.

So we have become controlling, stand-offish, closed-minded, over-bearing, painfully shy or awkward, fearful of others, perpetual victims, people pleasers – the list goes on. Name a dysfunction and the odds are we can relate to it.

We distrust people, expecting them to hurt us. But our actions cause the very hurt we try to avoid. We are hyper-sensitive and perceive any difference of opinion as a personal attack. We are less than forgiving and tend to hold grudges long into the future.   

This is why we come into the rooms of recovery. The demons in our head need to be dealt with. We can’t do that alone. We come in to gather knowledge and strength from the program, our fellow travelers, and our Higher Power. We come to face our past and put to rest the childhood survival traits that no longer work for us.”

My experience:

I surrendered!!  Lonely, controlling, stand-offish, close-minded, over-bearing, these are all traits that I can relate to.  I distrusted others, but worse, I distrusted myself. Why you ask?  As a child, when I saw things and was told I was not seeing what I thought I saw, I developed distrust of what I thought I saw as well as the opinions surrounding the events.  I began to believe everyone else’s version of the events.  So much so that I would even make decisions that were detrimental to me or not able to take action at all, because what I saw and/or felt must be wrong. I had to raise the white flag. 

It is tough to admit that I had all these characteristics.  But, it is a relief to now understand that these are traits that were developed; they do not define me as a person.  I thought this was just the way I was.  No help in sight and I was destined to be alone; alone in a relationship, alone in a room full of people, alone in life.  But I realize now, I can and have changed.  I am confidently addressing all the traits that I have previously developed and appropriately dealing with them.  I must admit that the most challenging of them is trust.  I have lost a lot due to trust issues.  I have lost love, I have lost security, I have even lost myself.  I have found that in order to manage the loss, you must mourn.  I am now in mourning of all my losses, even the new ones that are being identified almost daily.  However, mourning will free my mind and heart for opportunities that await me.  I can now feel joy in my heart for the endless possibilities that are out there.  What a relief!

RAISING THE WHITE FLAG

In my innocence, all alone I came to believe

No persistent and consistent guidance was provided to me

My vision of the world I could only rely

How that kept my world small and my dreams close by

Hurling aimlessly through existence because I had no rudder

Only dreaming small dreams because there were no other

My way was the only way to produce the desired outcome

Oh how so damaging did this behavior become

I have come to see that you have reached out before

But my education failed me to grasp and explore

I could not recognize that you were trying to assist

All I could see were the adversities destroying thebliss

The ism’s of the span that I have had to endure

Molded me into this thing that I absolutely abhor

To now know there is a higher power that carries me across the sand

Gives me comfort and belief that goes way beyond this land

With this teaching how could I now surrender to thee

When it has been a lifetime of trusting only in me

But capitulate I will, on bended knee

I am depending on you that you will care for me

You will nurture the innocent child that is still inside

Support me to grow into the man that I often hide

My yielding will be complete once I relinquish control

Allowing loving out loud, dreaming big dreams and passion to hold

I will love like I have never been hurt before

My smile will be as bold and bright as Sharper’s of yore

My heart will openly cry for those in despair

And I will never again utter the words, I don’t care.

My nature will be something no one will even remember

Today I start the metamorphosis of my unconditional surrender.