GRIEF IS A LIFETIME JOURNEY
Nov 21, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Perhaps we thought that we could get through the ACA program without having to spend much time grieving the dysfunction we were required to endure, as well as the loss of what might have been. Perhaps we thought the Steps were a once-and-done process.
But gradually that notion faded. When we were ready for our Fifth Step, we were given perhaps our first opportunity to consciously grieve the losses we hadn’t been able to share with others before now. But we got through it with the help of a trusted Sponsor, fellow traveler, or therapist.
As we continue to work the Steps, we begin to integrate the concept that recovery is a lifelong journey. We learn that each time we do a Fourth and Fifth Step we uncover more denial, sharing what we find as a continuing part of the process of becoming whole.
This journey is a quest to peel through the layers of the onion that go deep. As we work through our issues, we gain a stronger sense of integration, conscious contact, and spiritual awakening.”
My experience:
Realizing that your childhood was lost is hard. Grieving a childhood lost is excruciatingly difficult. As you reflect on the beatings, the loneliness, the abandonment, the grown-up decisions you had to make, you realize you could have lived a fuller life. You eked out some fun in between, but there should have been more. You start to understand that your peers, whom seemed to not have a care in the world but had more parent involvement and more restrictions, may have had a better situation than you. I thought I had it made because I got to decide how things went, for the most part, with little to no parent involvement. Now I realize that my mind has translated all that non-involvement to mean that I was unloved. If my parental units didn’t love me, then how could anyone else. How could I bring myself to believe that when someone uttered the words, “I Love You” that I could process that as the truth? What did that really mean? On occasion my parents may have uttered those words, or someone else told me that my parents loved me, but they abandoned me, they beat me, they left me to make decisions that I was not qualified to make. In my world, love meant pain! What a horrific realization. The thing that was supposed to bring me the most joy, has for a lifetime brought me the most pain. I have been running away from love/pain my whole life. I mourn those that loved me but could not understand my unacceptance of their love. I mourn for those that tried, hung in there, and just could not do it anymore. I can only imagine what they must have thought. Does he love me, he is just a mean person, he has no feelings, or a plethora of other platitudes to describe me. I just could not accept the concept of love. I could not accept that love was anything more than pain, abandonment, and loneliness. You were probably right to run away from me. The problem though, it just confirmed my love/pain thinking. What a Catch-22.
Working with a trusted therapist and now a sponsor, I am working through these issues. I am peeling the onion and allowing myself to feel with each layer I uncover: the loss, experiencing the mourning, understanding that love is truly unconditional and that I too can give unconditional love. I am better equipped to understand what I need/want in a relationship. The next step is to believe that I deserve better for me, that I am worthy of love, able to accept love and communicate my needs. It is not easy, but well worth being able to bask in the love that is out there for me. I cannot wait.