GRIEF

Oct 22, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader

“ACA meetings can unlock the grief that has not been addressed for years.” BRB p.68

“The thought of doing grief or loss work doesn’t sound inviting. It sounds as if we are going to a funeral. There’s a deep sense of sadness just thinking about it. But when we review our childhoods, we realize that our sadness is actually waiting for an opportunity to be expressed.

In meetings we witness strong survivors of family alcoholism and other dysfunction as they visit their childhood funerals. We hear them share the current effects of their harrowing childhood experiences. This helps many of us to start recalling the events that led to the feelings we have had of a continuous sense of loss.

As we keep coming back, our memories and feelings keep coming back also – sometimes gradually, sometimes haltingly. But they do come if we are consistent in our meeting attendance. This is where we find the space to express the grief of our childhood losses. It’s where we learn to heal after years of denying our feelings.

On this day I will remember that it’s important for me to share my memories in order to heal. It also allows me to connect with others who have had similar experiences.”

My experience:

Here is a memory that has played in the back of my mind for years.  It is only now that I can share this memory and do the grief work surrounding it.  I was about 6 years old and I watched this developmentally challenged child get hit and killed by a speeding car.  I did not tell my parents and I kept this to myself for 45 plus years.  I had a lot of shame and guilt because as a 6 year old I thought it was my fault.  I thought if I had done something differently, maybe he would not have run out into the street.  He picked up a stick and ran towards me, as I ran away from him, he ran the opposite way ultimately into the street. When I think about this I think what if I just stood there and let him hit me, maybe he would not have run into the street.  I can feel those feelings of anguish as I write this.  Those are feelings of guilt, of responsibility, of shame.   I am still sitting with this and need to further process this in order to get through it.  With the help of my Higher Power, I will get through this too.

Raymond

Fiery mop glistening in that certain way

Fair skin sun kissed that warm spring day

A simple boy who wouldn’t even harm a fly

Joy brought on from the simple pleasure of playing outside

As he ran around the yard he turned to the street

Where in the middle, he did meet

The hot wheel that came around the corner screeching

Turn back, turn back my mind beseeching

To no avail, his small frame leapt into the air

Floating up there like there were no cares

As his boots rested motionless now on the tar

His limpness now lay at the rear of the car

At six years old, to watch is a crushing endeavor

What I didn’t know, this image would haunt me forever

To survive I pushed this visage way inside

To try to forget the day that Raymond died

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