GOOD ENOUGH
Dec 22, from “Strengthening My Recovery” daily reader
“Yet, we come from homes in which doing our best was never good enough. Or it seemed never good enough. BRB p.37
As children, many of us were expected to perform. But no matter how well we did, we didn’t receive praise – just higher expectations. It was normal to want to hear we were valued and we yearned for affirmation that we were okay. But in its absence, we were left to believe we simply weren’t good enough.
As adults, we heard those tapes in our head and kept setting higher expectations of ourselves. No matter what we achieved we never felt good enough. Many of us were lucky that we inevitably hit a wall we couldn’t climb and found ACA and the help we needed.
We began to also see that not getting praise had kept us from knowing how to give praise. For those of us who have children, we wanted to do it better but couldn’t find the language, often believing that praise would give them permission to stop trying. We had repeated the pattern, not realizing that the disappointment in their eyes mirrored our own childhood feelings.
As we learn to erase the tapes in our heads, we begin to give ourselves the affirmation we didn’t get – that we are good enough. We can now pass this sense of worthiness on to those who mattered in our lives.
On this day I remind myself that I am good enough, and I fill myself with praise and good feelings.”
My experience:
In past relationships I have been accused of continually raising the bar. I would say I want this and when that was provided then I say I want even more. How exhausting that must have been for my significant others. I never acknowledged that I did that but can now clearly see that I did. I can also now see where I got that from. I was offered no praise in my lifetime, but I was expected to be excellent in everything I did. Anything less was unacceptable. So naturally I believed this is the way it worked. Wrong!! If I would have been in touch with my feelings enough to feel the hurt and pain that I was caused, I would have been able to extrapolate how those around me must have felt as I displayed this same behavior towards them.
I recently published a book, “A Gladiator’s Journey”. I told my therapist, I will get no praise for this. In fact, if I win the Pulitzer Prize for the book, it will be taken in stride as though nothing less was expected and why didn’t it win more awards. Once again, I am not good enough. How sad! I guess what I really mean to say is that I will get no praise from my mother for this. Some family members have weighed in positively, but most have been silent. The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results. As I write this, I am thinking, since I cannot change people and if I want different results I need to get new people around me. But I realize I already have new people around me. I have my ACA family and they are so proud of this accomplishment and glad they could in some small way help on my journey. They have made me feel good enough. I thank my ACA family immensely, I would not be where I am today without you.